LEARNING TO DREAM

Seems like a stupid title doesn’t it?  Learn to dream, seriously? YES I”m DEAD serious.

I was trained to shelve my dreams, told I was a day dreaming fool, it was a tremendous waste of time because that (whatever the dream may be) is not for the likes of me.  OUCH!

When your parents tell you this, you tend to believe them.  I adore parents who tell their kids they can be anything they want, but that’s not realistic either.  There are kids who want to be  pro ballplayers  that have absolutely no talent for the game.  Realistically not going to happen, but why not let them dream?

I wanted to be a writer like Mark Twain.  I was going to be the female version of Twain, and live the adventures that I would write about later.  None of it ever happened because the realities of life slapped me in the face at a young age.  My father had seasons of unemployment and money was tight.  Those comfort foods I grew up with were a means of self-preservation.  Ham and beans, chicken and dumplings, spaghetti, stew and homemade vegetable soups were staples.  Why? Because they were a cheap way to feed a large family.

I remember when I realized that we were poor, I cried.  My parents did the best they could with what they had.  I know they tried to prepare me for the harsh realities of grown up life.  I learned some of the lessons well, others not so much. Being strong willed made be have to learn my life lessons the hard way. For instance, I can prepare a nearly gourmet meal on a shoestring budget.  I learned to mend my clothing because zippers break, and it’s not worth replacing the pants when you can just replace a zipper.  Recycling is nothing new, it was a way of life.

I also learned that a realistic job that provided a decent salary was far more desirable than living in poverty chasing dreams.  Er, yeah!  After years of unhappiness I’ve thrown caution to the wind and decided chasing dreams can’t be any worse than the mundane existence I was living.

I know why they did it, and I don’t  hold any resentment against my parents.  I’m just saying as an adult making my own choices, I’ve decided to pursue a different path; in fact, blaze my own trail where there wasn’t a path.  Those briars along the way do tend to leave scratches, but the hidden treasures along the way are well worth it.  Trail blazing is exciting and gets the blood flowing, maybe just not in the way you had planned!

I’m learning to let myself dream, set goals for myself.  You may have noticed the picture and wondered what’s up with that?  I”m going to tell you!  This my dear friends is a picture of  one  on my destinations. This particular picture is not necessarily of any one destination, but rather my representative image.

This is the Scottish highlands.  I plan to tour the country, see the ruins, standing stones, Culloden, Inverness, Skye, Iona, stay in a castle, and take a gazillion pictures.  Oh yes, and listen enchanted and entthralled to the deep burr of the Scots.  I don’t care if it’s some old grizzled fisherman, recounting his catch of the day, or telling about fairie rings up the way by the stones or a lady in the B&B bletherin’ on about no’ much.

I’ve always wanted to travel and see the wide variety of landscapes and cultures across our globe.  That dream was shelved for years as I let life happen.  I’m no longer content with that life.  If you let life just happen it will grind you into dust!  I said before this was going to be  a year of change, the biggest one being inside me.

I don’t think my family is listening, they are change resistant. I’m not listening to “YOU can’t because . . .”.  Breaking out of the box is more disturbing to those around me than it is for me.  I’ve gotten past the initial fear of that first step to change and have moved on to the adrenaline part.  As I giddily tear down the box, the flurry of activity around me to save the box ensues.  They haven’t realized it’s a lost cause, or that I have earplugs in against their negativity.  “Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave.”

That first step is very scary.  I’ve taught finances for years, and provided financial counsel for many people.  One of the truths I’ve realized is ‘People are unwilling to change, until the fear of staying the same will be greater than the fear of change.’  It’s difficult to break old habits, try new things, or even go a different route to work.  Deviation from a routine that causes stress is indicative of a rut.  A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out.  I’m not ready to lay down and play dead just yet.

I’m starting to enjoy this renewed process of dreaming. Some are simple, some more complicated. How to make this particular dream a reality is complicated.  Then there are the sleeping dreams that are so complicated you wonder what strange spice was in your food or if you are really going off the deep end.  LIke the bizarre dream I had this weekend.

I was dressed as a harem girl running for my life, then ended up on a ship hiding.  Darth Vader was chasing me.  I don’t want an analysis, I’m just going to believe it was the spicy food and move on.  Really!  Not even going to tell you the next part that went in a mondo bizarro direction.  OH MY!

LOST IN SPACE

Organization is essential in most businesses, as a writer it’s imperative.  Sadly, it’s an area in which I am undisciplined. In previous jobs, I have received awards for organizational ability, so I know its possible.  The hubs once commented “You don’t have to leave that at work you know”.  Profound statement.

I spent the better part of two days searching my computer for ten chapters I had completed for Faere Guardian, one of two current WIPs. I started this particular book over three years ago.  The original manuscript was boring and dull.  Seriously, if I found it boring and dull as the writer, who would want to read it?  I gutted it.  The characters stood by and watched as I destroyed my created world, a cardboard Peyton Place.  I noticed Kyle, the brooding Scot stood with arms crossed a smug look of satisfaction on his face as he watched.

I rewrote it, more to my liking.  What was originally going to be an Inspirational Romance, is now a paranormal romance.  The characters seem much happier.  I had a prereader read the first few chapters of the original version and their response was “Oh, that’s nice.”  After the rewrite the comment changed to “Oh my gosh! It’s action, action, action. When do they get to catch their breath?”  I think that’s a much better response.

I’ve been working diligently, plugging away on the ABC principle.  Applying my Butt to the Chair, and writing.  It doesn’t write itself!  At times it’s a mad brain gush, trying to get things out of my head before I lose it.  Then there are dry moments when I’m undecided about a particular point.  I like to have my details worked out, knowing the long-term result of that butterfly flapping its wings off the coast of Hawaii on the eventual outcome that will play an important part of the meteorological conditions when my characters have to duke it out on a stormy hill in Scotland.

I want to know all the background information of how a certain cure was discovered, developed, and what side effects will there be.  I want to know that the action which seems out of character for Alexis, is actually very in character as she discovers things about herself throughout the story.  The reader may not see it yet, but they will by the end.

I have a folder for all this background information that never gets written in the story.  It will be hinted at or  background information, or maybe expounded on later in an interrogation by the police.  After one of these background story sessions, I had written ten chapters that moved their relationship forward, revealed who the protagonist is if you pay close attention, revealed the dark elements that Kyle the Guardian is dealing with, and the Light Court Fae that Kyle is in alignment with.

For anyone who is a fan of Celtic legends about the Tuatha’ de Danaan, there are certain characteristics of this “superior immortal race”.  Well, they think they are superior which is a key of their characters.  Fae have been described as fickle, manipulative, and have been compared to Greek and Roman gods.   Arrogance is an understatement for my Fae.

I was compiling the edited chapters into my writing software, and reached the point to add the ten chapters that I was proud of.  The faint of heart among you need not read because I tend to be descriptive to a fault.  A different prereader friend said the battle scene had left her nauseous.  Did I really need to show detailed graphic illustrations of the hacking off of limbs?  In order to portray the brutality, the strength required and the emotional impact of the value of life, yes.  I noticed the same person was enthusiastically reading the detailed love scenes and not complaining.  Eros, Pathos, and Thanatos! What is one without the others?

I’ve searched the files and apparently I saved them in a special place with a special name.  I’ve resigned to the fact that I will have to rewrite, because as is the way with most of my special places, they are lost in space.  One day I will find all my special places and I will hit the jackpot!  I’ve put things in special places and never found them.  Apparently they are code name for “black hole ” in the universe. things go in and never come out.

I spent the weekend lamenting over my mess, angry because I have to rewrite. A very nice gentleman has been encouraging me that I can rewrite them better, and maybe this was for a reason.  Maybe, but there’s that Type A part of me that is enthusiastic about efficiency of time.  Rewriting due to disorganization is not efficient.  Why reinvent the wheel when you already have one somewhere?

Alas, they have not surfaced and I will have to buckle down again.  I have a feeling the dark creatures  in chapter 15 are going to pay for my wrath. Mwahahaha!  Maybe, he was right. I can harness the power and use it for good, wreaking vengeance on the world of chaos I’ve created.  Don’t think for a moment that I ‘m not well aware of the fact that as soon as I get them rewritten, I’ll find my missing chapters.

That’s ok! Now that I’ve accepted the mission  of rewriting, I can compare and see what has been improved and what hasn’t.  I can combine the two to make the best option.  If I don’t find them, I’ll go with the new ones.  It becomes simple when options are removed.

Someday however, I will find the black hole of special places and the showers of long-lost treasures will spill forth upon me.  I will then have myself a gleeful giggle fit!  Until then, my text has been lost in space.

HAPPINESS IS JUST A TEARDROP AWAY

For those of you who’ve never seen Shrek 2, this is a line from Fairy Godmother.  I felt it was very appropriate for today’s rant.

A friend shared this article, 10 Things Unhappy People Have In Common.  If you have time go check it out, its worth the read.

Personal happiness has become my new focus.  Because if you can’t be happy what’s the bleeding point?  I’ve recently gone through a personal reevaluation and decided I wasn’t happy.  Instead of staying there, I decided what changes I need to make to obtain happiness.  There are a few key points to keep in mind pertaining to happiness.

Happiness is within you, and you are responsible for your own happiness.  Your spouse, your children, your parents are not the source of your happiness.  (I just sent all the co-dependents into shock.)  Take the time for yourself to assess where you are.  It’s a painful and a tearful reality. At least for me it has been.

Birthdays and New Years are great time for evaluating; a perfect times for change. Both happen to be at the beginning of the year for me.

Why continue in unhappiness?  Change is inevitable, but most people fear it.  Better the devil you know than the one you don’t know sort of thing.  That attitude leads to a mundane, unhappy existence.  I want to live and thrive and be about living my life, not watch it pass me by while I sit on the bleachers and wish I could get in the game.

It’s a brave step, that first step off of the bleachers.  Pulse quickening, mouth going dry, butterflies in the stomach yet continuing to put one foot in front of the other, moving away from the bleachers.  The scenery is all new and fresh.  Nothing is familiar because I haven’t gone this way before.

LIfe is a grand adventure. It becomes thrilling and exciting, an element of danger is always there.  Safe and orthodox is not really safe, now is it?  Because if you remain in a safe job, doing the safe thing that sucks the life out of you, you’re dyeing a little each day inside.  Eventually high blood pressure, pot bellies, drinking and eating in excess and various other vices because the insanity of safe breaks our need to live,  breathe, and thrive.

One of the points in this article was that Unhappy people have a wandering mind.  The statement was ” a wandering mind often stumbles downhill emotionally”.  (point 4)  I don’t necessarily agree with that one.  A writer’s mind wanders incessantly, but not always downhill.  When I board my “what if” train I may take a wild ride through dangerous landscapes in foreign planets, or times.  It helps me to put together my flow chart – remember those nasty little buggers? What if is followed by the if-then-else loop.  If you can’t have a decent flow chart your program, or your story is lost in a perpetual cycle unresolved.  ( I am visualizing the younger reader scratching their head, flow chart , . . . what?)

For the unhappies though, their “what if” train leads to “worst case scenario”. Last stop, everyone off!  This also goes along with the black/white thought pattern.  Why only black and white when there are so many shades of gray in between?  What about color for heaven’s sake?  Black/ white thinking is boring thinking that only colors within the lines.  As Barbossa says “They’re more like guidelines.”  DaVinci didn’t stay in the lines now did he?

Being a spectator of life has left me unhappy indeed.  Status quo sucks!  It’s hard to get back in the game, though.  I’ve gotten soft.  I let myself become an overweight couch potato.  My trophy shelve only holds trophies from twenty years ago and is dusty.  I want to add a few trophies to that shelf, or at least give a good effort to get them.

I hurt in places I didn’t know I could hurt.  I shed a teardrop yesterday in my workout.  Not that I’m a wimp, but because I pushed myself and it hurt.  It’s the good kind of hurt though, the muscles coming back to life, waking up out of their long dormancy.  They are screaming at me because they are grumpy after their long hybernation.  Too bad!  I intend to look fantabulous when I go to my tropical resorts and don that hot pink bikini.

The last point in the article mentioned above is They don’t like themselves.  That’s where I was, not liking myself. I didn’t like me one bit.  In fact I despised the me I had become.

I’ve got friends that encourage me.  Friends that tell me they like my writing,that it’s good.  Friends that tell me I have a great sense of humor and they enjoy being around me.  I want to be that person in my own eyes.  I haven’t seen myself like that in years, and to be honest I miss that sense of self.

As a wife and mother, it’s common to give out to others and forget about yourself. I’ve given until I emptied myself out with nothing left for me.  I gave up on myself years ago because I thought I wasn’t worth it.  I was wrong.

I deserve to be happy in my life.  So do you!

Take the time to evaluate your own life and see where you come up short in your own eyes.  Dare to escape the bleacher life.  I may skin my knees and get bumps and bruises but I’m living!  I hope you’ll join me.

INNER CRITIC

I am my own worst critic. No one else would dare tell me the negative things that I tell myself inside my head.

“You suck!”

“Are you reading this drivel?  Do you actually expect anyone to read this?  I’ve read soup labels more interesting than this.”

“ No one wants to read your writing.”

“What kind of drugs were you on when you thought this was good?”

Now that’s just rude!  If anyone else ever said those things to me, I’d be furious and probably run from the room crying. Yet, that critic voice inside my head is an ever-present negative force to be reckoned with.  My critic voice is poison to my self-esteem, my productivity, and shuts down my writing muse.  The fickle  little minx only works at her leisure anyway, I don’t need critic voice chasing her away.

It creates a general sense of helplessness, it zaps my motivation and writing energy.  I start hearing the voice and the logical part of my brain weighs each comment in a pro/con type of argument.  Well she’s right because . . .or no, that’s not true because. . .  It’s draining!

Instead of expending my energy  into  creating, I find myself engaged in this self-effacing banter.  If it goes on for long I give in to the fears, the doubts, and eventually inactivity.  Oh yes, sitting on the sofa crying and having a pity party is sooooo productive!

Most people at this point would probably suggest deep psychological therapy sessions and perhaps medication.  Honestly it’s not going to fix the problem.  What I have to do is face the monster head on, and combat those negative thoughts.  There are times when I have to stage my own “critic intervention”.

I find motivational quotes, and post them around my work area.  I read things that get me fired up and ready to write.  I have a book that is absolutely terrible, that motivates me in the sense that “if this can get published surely you can too.”

Is there any other career field that struggles with such a critic?  When I worked for the Defense Department; yes people trusted me with national security; I had a few moments of uncertainty at the start of a project.  Unsure how to start, or where to start, overwhelmed by the details but it usually lasted a sum total of 15 minutes before I would knuckle down and start working on it.  In other jobs I’ve held, I never doubted my abilities to perform the job.

So why is it that in this career choice I battle almost daily with Critic Voice? I wish I could find her, tie her to a chair,  duct tape her mouth closed and toss her off a bridge!  She is a royal pain in the butt!  She’s clever though, stays hidden from sight.

This year, I’ve put her on notice.  She better not come at me unless she has solid fact to back up her statements. I’m going to need charts, diagrams and a logically drawn conclusion of the statement before I will even consider it.  I don’t think for a moment she’s given up.  NO, she’s gathering the facts and putting them together in a format that will confound the best defense lawyer in the nation; an all out assault to annihilate my best laid plans. I know how she operates because I’ve created the monster.

Critic Voice has kept me inactive and unproductive too many times in the past.  I’m building my own logical defense plan.  My new and improved armor has fewer chinks in it and I’m keeping it polished and gleaming.  I’m tired of playing defense; I’ve switched to offense.

That’s right Critic Voice, I’m coming after YOU!

Inside I may still shake and quake like two day old jello, but I’ve made up my mind that I’m doing this.  There is no turning back because I’ve blown up my bridges.  I didn’t burn them, I blasted them to smithereens.  Sometimes, having an escape option is just code for ‘an excuse to not try”.

Am I good enough to become a top-selling novelist?  There’s only one way to find out.

Lowering the visor of my helmet, lance tucked beneath my arm, I roll my shoulders and situate in the saddle and prepare my mental game.  If I lose this round, it’s just part of the training.  I’ll get back up and try again. Good enough doesn’t fly with me, its win or lose.  I intend to win my event.

I feel the muscular horseflesh ripple beneath me. Stomping, pawing the ground ready for the signal.  Snorts from my steed’s nostrils blast puffs of steamy breath into the chilled air. Muscles tense as I lean forward, finding my center of gravity.

IT’S ON!

PLAYING IN THE RAIN

I’m watching the morning news: they are predicting a wintry mix storm to be moving into metro area of St. Louis.  Lucky me, we live above the line of demarcation where it changes over from rain to ice and snow.   Things could get interesting during rush hour drive time!

Meanwhile, I’m having my own internal storm;  a brain storm of ideas.  While some of my writing friends lament about having writer’s block I have the opposite problem.  When inspiration hits it can be like an epileptic seizure of synapses firing rapidly.  My fingers can’t keep up with the rapid fire of my brain as I either type furiously or write in longhand or even key into notepad on the itty-bitty keys on my phone.

First there’s the brain fart – a hint that something is churning within.  It often manifests in those moments when you are disengaged with the current conversation.  Someone is talking intently, and you’re trying to focus but your mind wanders.  Suddenly the “Manum-anump” song hits you and all bets are off.  At times, I have to own up to my own SBD’s; “Oh, could you say that again? I didn’t quite catch that last bit.”

Shortly thereafter the brain storm hits:  In the middle of the grocery store, in the waiting room of the ob-gyn’s office, and in the car.  It’s maddening at times!  If I wait until I am safely tucked at my desk in front of computer, I stare at the screen for what seems like hours, eventually getting distracted by Facebook, or returning emails, or a variety of other unproductive things.  I’ve learned to keep a notebook with me, and have begun to utilize the features my smart phone offers.  Recently, I had to replace my phone – it was a complete wash.  I lost all of my contacts, my pictures, my appointments and my notes.  I’ve since replaced most of my contacts, but more importantly I transfer my notes from the phone to my computer every other day.

Over the last few days, I’ve had a storm brewing of epic proportions.  For weeks my family has lamented that I’ve been disengaged, that I’ve ignored them, and seem withdrawn.  I have to laugh – withdrawn used to describe me – that’s the biggest laugh I ever had! Guess it was such a contrast to my usual ‘in your face’ personality they didn’t know how to handle it!

This is what thinking looks like! Hello? Genius at work!  I’m surprised they didn’t see smoke coming out of my ears, not from anger but from the rusty gears grinding into full action.  Maybe they’ll notice when it purrs like a Lamborghini Murciélago !

Just as the storm approaches in the meteorological sense, my own storm descended about two days ago.  It shows no signs of letting up any time soon.  A storm of epic proportion that may lead to flooding, and washing out things that aren’t firmly attached as the deluge overflows the narrow confines of acceptable bounds.

Living near the Mississippi River has afforded me a unique perspective of flooding. If you’ve never experienced a flood, then you can’t fully appreciate the magnitude of the damage left behind.  However, sometimes it clears away old derelict things that should have been razed ages ago.

This is one of those storms.  On screen it looks like a jumble of thoughts, a torrential downpour of unrelated topics.  But the magic is there, and only I have the key to connect the dots.  Getting it out of my head and on-screen is the first step.  Although the bursts of energy required for the storm have been tiring, it has also been exhilarating,  almost producing an adrenaline rush.  I plan to enjoy the ride to the very end.

When the storm ends and the sun comes out – metaphorically – the clean up work begins.  This is the true work of writing, sifting through the deluge to find the treasures.  Not every idea is a good idea, and not every aspect of an idea works. Some thoughts go into the trash, some are smoothed out and salvageable, and some are like precious gems glistening in the sun.

I imagine that it’s akin to the artist that sculpts a work of art from a chunk of marble, or wood or whatever medium they use.  At an art gallery in Eureka Springs, Arkansas  I read a statement by the artist.  He said that he just listened to the piece of rock, and let it tell him what it was. Therefore he knew what he was setting free.  HIs art was magnificent!  The detail of his work was masterful.

That’s what I aim for in my writing.  Not every sentence is a masterpiece, but perhaps it’s a detailed foot of the greater beast.  The rough material isn’t pretty, but as I shape it, cut away the excess and add the fine lines, my word paintings come to life.  Sometimes there may be dragons, or faeries.  Other stories are filled with heart wrenching emotions.

I’m playing in the rain of my own personal storm and loving it.  Splashing in the puddles, stomping in the mud, and letting some of the drops splash in my face!  Yes, feeling the rain on my skin, the brisk chill in the air, the smell of rain on dry grass and settling dust.  Giving myself over to the sensory  stimulation of the moment! I’m admiring the power of the lightning streaking across the sky, the magnificence of the rumbles of thunder that are shaking the  foundations of reality.  My pulse quickening at the static electricity in the air that surrounds me.

It made me think of Gene Kelly in Singing In the Rain; but that seems mild in comparison to my adrenaline rush. Hmmm, perhaps Twister with Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt would be closer.  Yeah, flying cows and storm chasing!  Now we’re talking.

SECRET DOORS

Those parts of us that we hide away from everyone else, whether it’s for acceptance or for some other reason, they still remain.   Some have skeletons inside, and others have treasures that were never opened.

Abuse in my childhood put skeletons behind one door.  I was ashamed, scared, and scarred.  I didn’t want everyone else to know my personal hell.  Their view of me would be colored through the stains of my shame.  I wanted desperately to fit in and be accepted.  In more recent years I faced those skeletons and kicked them out.  I’ve spoken publicly about it.  The scars, the shame, and how it colored other areas of my life.  I’ve shared my heart, the hurt and pain, and some people look at you like you’re damaged goods.  Others, most often the ones who have experienced the pain themselves listen and hear.  It has been cathartic for me, and those I’ve shared with.  I’ve been an open book, shared things that kept me bound in shame, in anger, and rebellion for years.

A certain woman who experienced the same things as I did to a greater degree, came up to me after a public speaking session and poured her heart out.  We cried together, comforting each other.  There is healing in revealing, and those skeletons don’t keep me bound in chains any longer.  I didn’t have the perfect suburban upbringing as my peers, I experience dysfunction.  For years I allowed it to color who I was, and how I saw myself.  It has shaped me, both good and bad , to who I am today.  I am thankful for the opportunities to help others break out of their prisons.

I still have secret doors though.  Secrets that were stuffed inside, hidden in a shoebox under the bed.  Secrets that were shelved, now covered with cobwebs.  Recently I dared to open one of my secret doors.  I found hidden treasures, and shed some tears at my forgotten dreams.  I’m coming to terms with myself, the parts I locked away and hid from the world.  Unrealized potential, and unrealized dreams.  It’s amazing what a couple rays of sunlight can reveal in a previously dark and dreary cobweb filled scary room.  Tattered mementos - long forgotten, happy moments that I rarely allowed myself.

I gave up on myself for many years.  I went through the motions: giving to others, fulfilling my roles, but experiencing no personal joys.  It just wasn’t worth the pain of failure.

What failure?  Failing myself.  An ever present sense of unworthiness that clouded every aspect of life.

I made decisions based on what other people wanted and expected of me.  I’ve taken responsibilities and commitments that are acceptable in the eyes of my family and friends.  I’m not exactly sure when it started, but I have reached the point where I am no longer satisfied with status quo.

I’ve always been a bit of a rebel and nonconformist, but most people would be surprised to realize just how much I have conceded and conformed.  I know precisely  and how much it has been killing me inside.  I haven’t been true to myself, nor pursued my own dreams.

I took those items out of that room and threw away the key.  I’m examining each one and evaluating whether they are valid or just childhood fancies.  I’m never going to take a wooden raft on the Mississippi River like Tom Sawyer.  I have a healthy respect for the Old Muddy, and have no desire to do that anymore., plus I have a few more operative brain cells than I did at 11.  It was a nice visit to a childhood fancy.  Other things, I’ve decided I’m going to tackle .

Just as in spring cleaning there are three boxes: keep, file, and throw away. the Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn was the first book I read voluntarily, one that sparked a lifetime love of reading.  The folded, and yellowed piece of paper with a raft, colored in a childish manner will go in a scrapbook – a fond memory.  There are other things that were just silly, and are no longer relevant.  I looked them over, but decided to discard.

The ones to file, now that’s what prompted this post. They go along with my SMART goals.  Things I still feel are viable worthwhile goals, and are worth attaining.  There’s going to be work but anything worth having is worth working for.  Ironically I found a shell of who I thought I’d be, and it doesn’t even resemble the me I am today.  There are some aspects of the me today that are better , but the longing in my heart for those other dreams, well  it’s time for a change.

My personal pursuit for life, liberty and happiness was derailed.  After all, doesn’t the Constituion guarantee us these inalienable rights? It’s not the government’s fault that I’ve failed myself – epically.  That responsibility lies solely on my shoulders.  It’s back on track and I’ve got turbo fuel in the hold, and the engine is revved up and ready.  I don’t think many of my friends or family will necessarily approve.  I’ve lived for their approval long enough.  I want my own approval because if you can’t have an inner peace with yourself, what does it really matter?

Some of my secret doors have been locked so long, I think I’ve lost the keys.  Maybe I’ll find them in this new chapter.  If nothing else, it will be an exciting adventure and at least I will know that I tried.  I don’t want the regrets of omission to cloud my consciousness.

It’s time for revision.  I’m about to rock the boat, hope you have a life jacket!

HAPPY (CHINESE) NEW YEAR!

The year of the dragon!  This year celebrates the water dragon.  I was born in the year of the dragon, and the motto is “I reign!” Well, this year of the dragon IS my year to reign.  I’ve taken back the reigns, taken control and no longer am letting life just happen.  I don’t like where it’s led me, therefore I’ve set some goals.

I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions years ago. Why? Because by this time, I’ve either blown the diet; not made any action towards the goal or in some other fashion, given up.

I make goals, SMART goals to be exact.  SMART goals are:

• specific
• measurable
• action oriented
• realistic
• targeted time

For example, every year I would say “This year I am going to lose weight.”  That’s pretty vague.  Technically if I lose 1 pound I succeed, but unfortunately I need to lose more than 1 pound.  However, when I make the goal as :This year I am going to lose 25 pounds by December 31.  I’m specific (25 pounds), it’s measurable - I have 12 months to achieve this which breaks down to 2 pound every month.  That’s doable!!  Very reasonable, and nothing prevents me from being more aggressive if I choose to do so.  Action oriented: I made a plan of action that includes dietary changes, calorie guidelines; and a regular workout schedule.  Realistic:  25 is realistic, weighing 115 is not, and it’s not such an overwhelming goal that I give up.  Targeted time I’ve allowed the entire year.  I have a deadline.

This is just one example, I’ve made 48 goals for the year.  Each one has a SMART plan to achieve it.  I haven’t made much progress on some of those yet, but I’ve been developing my plans.  Thank goodness, for Chinese New Year.  I don’t feel so bad for getting a late start to my year. I haven’t been slacking off, I’ve been making a plan.  If you don’t have a plan you are destined to fail.  Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Some could look at it as procrastination, but I’ve seriously put thought into these past weeks, thinking through how I’m going to achieve my 48 goals. Not every one is life changing, some are just for fun.  I like to have fun!  All work and no play makes Ellie a very unhappy person!

The first step to making any plan is writing it down. I wrote my list, tweaked it to make them smart goals and got out my calendar to set milestone markers.  Most of my goals don’t matter to anyone but me, but they are all things I want to do, feel I should do, or desire to do.

Therefore. . . today is a Mulligan.  A do over!  A fresh start.  It’s also national pie day.   By the way, one of my goals is to try 48 new recipes this yer.  Hmm, maybe I should make a pie to celebrate.  One slice is equal to approx 2 hours of Zumba, or running 5 miles.  Is it worth it?

Which brings up another interesting point to the goal achieving; know the cost.  If I decide to indulge in pie, I will do it knowing full well I have to either delay my progress or increase my calorie expenditure.  Everything we do today has an effect on our tomorrow.  If you just let life happen, trust me, you won’t like where it takes you.

Learning Curve

I’m trying to figure this thing out, not sure why it’s not posting to FB like I told it to, but hey. . . maybe this will work.  Go to previous post ‘That’s Spicy!”  It didn’t like a couple of words apparently.

 

THAT’S SPICY!

Sometimes you just need to spice things up a bit.  It can pertain to your sex life, your wardrobe, your daily routine, and your diet.

I threw the comment out the other day to be met with a grunt.  I was talking about our diet as I was in the process of menu planning. I don’t think it even registered, as a playoff game was on.

Yesterday, the hubs got to experience the spiced up menu.  Instead of the usual boring old sandwiches I felt change was in order. I bought Wasabi spread.  It’s a mayo – strong horseradish spread.  I made him a ham and swiss on whole wheat with the spread.  I was proud of myself for changing things up.  Really, it’s the little things in life that get me excited.

He texted me after lunch and said  “next time warn me!”.  He bit in and couldn’t breathe. Eyes burning and nose burning, he dared not swallow or breathe until he almost passed out.  It was not my intention that he should “endure torture” for his lunch.  He joked that his coworkers  had to revive him between bites. I didn’t put THAT much on the sandwich, but when you’re used to regular mayo, well I suppose it was a shock! It did spice things up!

I like spicy things.  I like jalapeno, hot sauce, chipotle, hot chili, and those little peppers in Chinese food. Bland foods are rarely on the menu.  Even typical bland foods such as chicken and dumplings tend to have pepper in it.  There’s never a dull moment in our kitchen or household!

Here’s a message for you guys out there that tune your wife or girlfriend out: DON’T!  You may miss something important like “I think we need to spice things up a bit!”.

If he’d been paying attention, I may have been questioned about what I had in mind, alluded to intimacywith one single raised brow. That could have led into so many interesting things.  Guess that should have been my first clue, or maybe second to the grunt.  If he’d taken notice that I was planning the menu and grocery list, all of this could have been avoided.

All is well and he didn’t actually choke or die.  Now he’s more cautious about taking big bites, without seeing what he’s eating. I’m making sugar cookies today.  I have a sweet tooth and well, thought maybe it might make up for the harrowing experience I’ve put him through.  I considered adding red pepper  then decided against it.  Not sure he could handle too much spice at one time.

Hesitating at the moment to mention other ways I’ve decided to spice things up.  It’s apparently a shocking thing for a white bread person to live with an ‘anything but white’ person.  I’ve tried to tone it down and find that I get bored.  I like to change it up, keep it fluid.  I hate routine because routine leads to ruts.

On the other hand the hubs hates the fact that I’m running behind him filling in his ruts, so that he has to blaze a fresh path every day.  Come on, it’s not like I moved the door to the bathroom! Hmmmm, maybe I should text him that I added pepperjack cheese to his sandwich today.

Embrace change!  It’s the only thing that is constant in our world.

5 Reasons Why We Fail

If you’re anything like me, new  ideas run through your brain constantly. Sometimes, we come across a true gem that we just can’t stop thinking about – because it’s Brill!

Come on, you know what I’m talking about.

 Constant brainstorming, rapid note taking, and visions of success are all symptoms of this sort of “genius moment”.  I obsess, can’t think of anything else, skip meals, get sweaty palms. . . and sometimes other symptoms as well. I have visions of grandeur, best case scenario, maximum outcome positive thoughts.

But then, a few days later or even a month or so the motivation behind the spectacular grand idea just seems to die and never evolves into the next step.  Or you bounce the idea off of a realist and they bring you back down to earth, outlining sometimes in detail why it won’t work.  Sometimes, it’s not even subtle they just poke your big balloon with a giant pin and you feel like crying.  OK maybe you don’t feel like crying but I often do.  Then the evil voice inside my head starts in on it and viciously tears apart any good that I could have ever imagined was in that stupid idea. I am my own worst critic, and am a confessed self defeatist.  It’s rather sad, because some of those ideas are serious money-making material.

If we can get a grasp on why we do this cycle over and over,  we can escape the cycle and build momentum taking things to the next level.  So, here are 5 reasons why the ideas in our head ends up in our own slush pile:

1. We Don’t See Any Immediate Results

 Let’s face it we have become a microwave generation.  In fact the microwave just isn’t fast enough anymore. Instant messaging, drive thru orders, instant search on google, it’s what we are used to.

Ideas take time to grow. Quitting or giving up before there’s even a bud on the vine is a guaranteed way to kill  great idea.  Remember what your goals are and why you were so excited about your idea in the first place.

One trick I learned is to make a road map.  Brainstorm, mind map whatever you call it. Get it down, and out of your head.  Create an outline, a business plan whatever it takes to see what it takes to make the idea become a  plan.

Write down the steps it will take to get to where you want to go.  You’ll see you’re only in the beginning phases of the entire process. But, seeing the rest of your “roadmap” (including your goal) on paper will  give you the boost you need to keep going.

2. Uncertain What To Do Next

 This happens all of the time, but it shouldn’t stop us. It’s just the first hurdle, and we just have to do a little more research (or simply ask someone for help!), in order to jump over it.

Also, you can go back to your “roadmap” and see what the next steps are. Remember to take things one step at a time.

“Cinch by the inch, hard by the yard.”

3. We Just Don’t Care Anymore

 For whatever reason, you’ve lost sight of why you’re working so hard. When it comes to motivation, here’s what you can do:

• Remember why you were so excited about your idea in the first place! Envision what life will be like at the end of the tunnel. Revisit the gem, ooh shiny!  Get yourself motivated.  (And people think I’m a dork for posting my self motivational stuff)
• Read an inspirational book. One of my favorites is The 4-Hour WorkWeek, by Tim Ferriss.
• Display your favorite quotes. At my desk, I have this quote posted up on the wall next to my computer: “The Harder I Work, The Luckier I Become.”
• Reading that always gets me going again.  My favorite is framed, done in Calligraphy, very simple.  It says “If not now, when?”
• Talk it out with someone. If you’re feeling low on energy, sometimes all we need is a pick me up from a buddy. That’s why so many people say it’s a lot easier to go to the gym or stay on a diet if there’s someone else there with them. My Facebook writing friends are the best on the planet.  I’ve been in a local group, and it was a bunch of posturing peacocks.  Everyone looked down their nose at me because I was green.  It’s ok though because I’ll have the last laugh, already have in small measure.
• Take a quick break. We often work on something so much that we forget why we’re doing it. Take a day or two off, and you’ll often see the motivation come back in no time.

4. We’re Not Certain if Our Idea is as Great as We Thought it Was

Maybe you’re having second-thoughts about your idea. Maybe it’s not as awesome as you thought. This is the thought that pops into my head more often than the others, and it’s definitely a downer. It’s the reason I have dozens – yes dozens, and that is probably a gross understatement – of unfinished projects.  If I will sit down and finish every book, every poem that I started I would be much further along.  this is part of my plan for this year, to finish what I’ve started.  But here’s what you can do to keep your idea alive.

Simply put – think positive thoughts. Have you ever heard of “The Law of Attraction”? It basically states that people’s thoughts dictate the reality of their lives. In other words, think positively, and positive things will happen to you. Good juju in – good juju out!

Also, you have to realize that you’re not going to succeed unless you give it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? If you’re doing business online, the worst is probably not as bad as you think it could be.  If it’s getting published, seriously take a look at some of the stuff that has been published and ask yourself if they can get published, then surely I can too.

5. We See Someone Else Doing Something Similar, and It Seems Better: we Lose Hope

Okay, so someone “stole’ your idea, or beat you to it. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Here’s why:

• That fact that you see someone else doing something similar to what you had in mind is actually a good thing! In fact, it shows that it IS a great idea, that others are already using it to make money for themselves. There’s a proven market for it, and now it’s your turn to join in.  And, no one else can tell the story inside your head, or get the exact plan that’s in your head.  Do It!  Quit being a quitter!
• The Dry Cleaners Theory: Have you ever noticed how many dry cleaners there are in one location? Here in St. Louis, there are over 100s (according to the yellow pages). My point is this: you don’t need have a unique idea in order for it to succeed. And if there’s a need for something, there’s always room for more options and solutions in the market.
• Lastly, all you have to do is build a better mouse trap. Put some thought into why people will choose to visit your website, read your content, and purchase from you, instead of someone else.  Spend some time asking yourself if you are a writer:  Would I read this? Would I spend my money on this?  What can I do to make it better?  Does it have enough plot twists? If it’s nonfiction, have I given factual data and clear instructions?  Think – engage your brain.

I hope you will agree that staying on course hurdle jumping is the backbone for the success of any business or blog, which is why I spent some extra time today. Truth be told it’s my own personal self motivational talk.  I just let you listen in.

Work hard, play hard.  If you spent half as much time working hard for yourself as you do for a company, think where you’ll be in 5 years, 10 years.  Not still in the stock room that’s for sure. When you follow through on your own plans you are working for yourself, to achieve your own goals not the goals of a corporate CEO.  Soon you will be your own CEO.  I have three potential personal assistants lined up for my next step of success.  I’m hoping interviewing will begin soon.

I used some of Pat Flynn’s material in composing this.  Thank You Pat!  It applies to the writing life so well, and to entrepreneurial ventures as well.  I have enjoyed this self-help discussion, what about you?