Ways to Create Multi-Dimensional Characters--Tip #1

Reblogged from Kristen Lamb's Blog:

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To give characters depth, we have to be people-watchers. Study people. Know thyself. I strongly recommend reading books on psychology as part of research. For instance, I read a lot of FBI books on profiling.

As writers, characters need some amount of consistency without being predictable. If there is some deviation from the profile, there must be a good reason WHY, other than we need a character to act a certain way to move our story forward.

Read more… 1,249 more words

I thought this was a very good article. As always Kristin gives sound advice.

Tainted Love

 

I’m  not really sure when the love/hate relationship began.  It seems like it’s been there forever, but surely when I was two it wasn’t present.  I am aware that by kindergarten it was firmly in place.  Somewhere between birth and the tender age of five I fell into the love/hate thing.  Always aware, always conscious that I  . . .was the fat girl.

I look back on pictures of myself in kindergarten, and know that my brothers tormented me calling me fatty fatty four by four.  Seriously,  I was a pretty average sized kid – but solid.  I’ve never been skinny, or  a waif.  By fourth grade I had pudged out to butterball proportions.  Indeed I became the labels that I was taunted with.

You know, it affects you hearing those names.   That old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”.   That’s a big fat hairy lie!  Words hurt far more than being beaten with a cane.  Words last a lifetime, being beaten with a belt or cane, or switch only lasts a short while.  Bruises heel but the word scars cut deep.  It was enough to perpetuate a lifelong struggle with weight.

Regardless of other issues of dysfunctional family life, or abuse, over eating became a self medicating action.   Think I”m lying?  Watch a kid that’s upset inhale a ton of sugar then buzz around until they literally crash.  Talk about setting up your system for problems.  I developed a sweet tooth at a very early age,  Sugar is one of the most addictive substances on earth.

Anyway, the love/hate thing: it’s a total mental game that I play with myself.  I try to avoid the scale because based on where the needle lands, I will either be ecstatic if it drops down even a fraction,or crushed if it goes up a fraction. How many of you know that is a poor indicator?  Do you know the average woman’s body can fluctuate as much as 6 pounds within 1 day?  That is a roller coaster set up for disaster.  I weigh myself once a week.

I think many women, especially American women battle with the love/hate relationship with their body.

I have decided that it’s time to settle things with myself.  There was a time when I felt good in my own skin.  I felt confident, I felt strong, healthy, alive and energetic.  Age of course has bearing on all those things, but my goal is that feeling I had;  a feeling of confidence, of knowing that I was capable.

If you’ve ever watched any episode of Biggest Loser, you know the contestants  biggest battle is in their mind.  We play these horrible mind games on our self.  We tell our self we can’t .  We tell our self we aren’t worthy.  We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough.  We tell ourselves – we aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, tall enough, and a whole slew of other things of why we can’t have the good things in life.  Talk about a self-defeating attitude.

I refuse to engage in the self-defeating mind games any longer.  Instead of why I can’t, I ask myself why and how I can.  I preach myself encouragement.  Yeah, you may have noticed a few rounds of encouragement on my blog here, thanks for joining me for the lecture.

I’m not making any land-speed record for weight loss, but i am making progress.  Slowly but surely.  I fear it’s slower than a turtle but there is progress never the less. the biggest progress is on the inside.  Stopping the self-defeating track that has played for so many years.

I Know I spend a lot of time discussing weight loss also, there’s a reason for that.  This is the  biggest issue, my biggest battle that I face.  It’s like I can tackle pretty much anything life throws at me.  Reworking three years of work that someone destroyed – yeah, I didn’t give up.  Handling multiple roles in life – not that I really have a choice there.   Being responsible and teaching my children to be responsible adults – well I don’t really consider that an option either.  But this weight thing – it has kicked my butt for years.

NO  MORE!  It’s going down!  This last outpost for the love/hate relation is going to be destroyed.

Why is it such an issue in my life?  As I figure out the answers to that question, the walls come down brick by brick.  Sometimes we have to understand how the wall was built-in order to destroy it. I’m laying siege to the last bastions of  ‘fat chick’.  She’s not bullying me anymore.  She’s not ruling over my body anymore.  Like the metamorphosis of a butterfly – I kind of look at this soft exterior I currently have as a sort of cocoon, a chrysalis that houses the  emerging beauty of renewed life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,  – why do I get so metaphorical?  Because the manifestation of the reality of who I am is only an internal vision right now.  Despite the lack of youth, despite the fact that I’m not going to have anymore children, despite my battle scars of stretch marks from the children I have, this chick is going to rock this joint!  I’m going to be the bet ME I can be.  Never going to look like Taylor Swift – I think she’s too skinny anyway.  Despite what my husband desires – I”m never going to look like Valerie Bertinelli because  – well, I just don’t look like Valerie Bertinelli.  I am a one of a kind original, made in the USA, unique and valuable being.

OH, and I’ve figured out a thing or two over my time on this rock.  Like, the inner voices lie! I don’t know who planted that track there but I’m ripping it out one paving stone at a time.  No more love/hate relations with my body.  I’m going to own it!  That’s right , you heard me inner fat chick – you’re going down!

What things do you struggle with?  Do you have a bad self-image? A love/hate relation with some part of your body? Or your whole body?  don’t be shy, speak up.  Together we are stronger, and speaking up shuts up the self-defeating talk.

Write on my friends, write on!

 

 

Paranoid Delusions

I do not own this photo, it was a free wallpaper.

Ever have one of those major setbacks? Like a mid-season sports injury that ends the year for  you when this was going to be the year scouts were going to notice you and you’d get offered a scholarship to an ivy league school. Well no, I guess it  wasn’t quite that bad but it sure made things difficult for a good while.

One person is taken from your life unexpectedly, without  reason without warning.  Another betrays a trust, it can be nearly devastating.  Physical injuries from my car crash were easier to overcome than these things.  It took a good while for some of those injuries to heal, in fact I still have a huge knot on my knee, sore shoulder, some issues with my neck, and the two fingers that were jammed are ultra sensitive.  None of that compares to the loss of  a loved one or betrayal.

The grief of dealing with death is a part of life. It’s difficult, it hurts but the finality of it forces us to move forward even if it’s at a snail’s pace. The grieving process is not a fun journey at all but dealing with betrayal from someone close really knocked me for a loop.

I’ve been dealing with computer issues for a couple of weeks now, one of which was being locked out of my accounts, and having my personal accounts such as this one hacked into by a trusted person.  This same person destroyed – whether it was accidental as they claim or whether it was deliberate intent – it’s really irrelevant at this point.  Three years worth of work was destroyed.  Thanks to some great friends that have done some beta reading for me, I’ve been able to recover most of that.  Once before I had lost ten chapters, it was my own doing so I was just frustrated.  I rewrote it and I believe it ended up better than the first time.

I see some of my friends achieving their goals and am left sitting on the side of the road, unable to complete my race. Well this time around any ways.  I’m not going to just sit here and feel sorry for myself.  I’ve been in a bit of shock over this, and  had to take some time to regroup and refocus.

I will not quit will not relent.  If I have to rewrite everything from scratch I will.  It will be better, more thought out, less chaotic.  I still have my notes, my cards, partial files I can piece things together. If nothing I’ve learned some valuable lessons.  the biggest one being that I can not surrender my dreams ever again.  Nor will I allow a saboteur to steal them from me.

OK, supposedly it was an accident.  Well , sleep with one eye open because other accidents have been known to happen as well.  A trust betrayed will never be misplaced again. Opportunity abounds but closes for those who prove themselves untrustworthy. Never underestimate a woman, and especially a woman with a dream.

Write on my friends, write on. I certainly will be!

Dream Big Blog Hop

I was invited to take part in the Dream Big Blog Hop.  I was originally scheduled to post on the 20th, but due to a car collision I was rather sedated and unable to attend to my blog, much less anything else for a short time.  Thankfully, I’ve been given a reprieve to go ahead and post this. 

I don’t know about you guys but so far this year has been horrible for me.  First the flu, then a week of drugged haze as the antibiotics and other meds affected every aspect of my life.  I played catch up for a short time then BAM!  Literally,  a head on collision.  My car is toast! See that picture up there?  Yeah, that was my baby.  It was a great little SUV.  It gave its life  for me, the paramedics said that in most head on collisions, the driver is usually seriously injured or dead.  I’m grateful to be alive and came out of it with minor injuries.  No broken bones.  Yeah, the Aztec was like a tank.  Ironically, the other ladie’s car is repairable.  RIP Aztec, or as my mother once said ” you know, one of those natural disasters” in referencing my car.  (She was thinking Avalanche but couldn’t remember that it was an Aztec.)

So, enough about that, moving onto the blog hop:

Cody Martin was kind enough to invite me to participate in his Dream Big Blog Hop. Here are the questions and answers.

Writing is largely solitary, and sometimes a lonely endeavor. Sure, you talk to friends, experts for research, discuss what works and what doesn’t with your editor, and bounce ideas off of fellow writers. But in the end it’s one person pounding the keyboard or twirling the pencil. But what if it didn’t have to be completely alone? Who would YOU work with if you could work with anyone on your favorite project?

In this post, that’s what I’m asking. Choose a person for each category and tell why you want to work with them. If you want, feel free to post their picture, a piece of their work, or a link to something about them. The only rule is that the person must still be alive.

Writers dream. Now it’s time to dream BIG.

You have the opportunity to hire anybody as your cover artist. If you write children’s books or books that are heavily illustrated, who would you get for the interior artwork?

I would choose Boris Vallejo for my cover art. When I was a teen I remember selecting my books based on the cover art.  Anything in the fantasy genre was better than the required readings of Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dickens, or even the entire works of Edgar Allen Poe.  I read voraciously.  I still do, although lately I’ve spent far more time writing than reading.   Boris Vallejo’s art was always inspiring to me.  He did the covers to the Conan books before Arnold or Jason Momoa ever brought Conan to the big screen.

Dragon tattoo by Boris Vallejo

Boris Vallejo’s Art

Who would you co-write your next novel with? What genre? Why?

Katie McAlister. Because I love her sense of humor, love her writing style and have greatly enjoyed all of her books.  Mostly romance and paranormal romance, Katie tops the list of writers I would love to have a glimpse inside their heads.   Unfortunately most of the others are dead.

I don’t recall ever reading any interviews where Ms. McAlister stated whether she’s a pantser or planner but I would imagine she’s a pantser. If nothing else it would be a blast to work with her.

Your publisher wants to do an audiobook version of your novel and they’re not sparing any expense. Who do you think can narrate your masterpiece?

Wow!  This would be totally awesome.  OK, I’m going to cheat here  and give you two, first I will have to consult my co-conspirator for Love Notes.

For Kiss of the Dragon I would choose  Clive Owen to do the narrative because he has a very sexy voice.  It is deep, resonating, and purely awesome. If I was allowed two more to do the lines for characters – I would have Charlize Theron do the voice of Isabelle, and Patrick Stewart do the voice of Zane.

For Love Notes I would choose Kate Winslett to do the narrative.  I think her voice is sultry yet soothing.  The perfect mix of sexy yet innocent to convey Stephanie’s personality.   If allowed to do the lines I’d select Alex Kingston to do Stephanie’s voice, and Sean Bean to do Rob’s voice.

They’re really going all out! Your novel is getting a full soundtrack. Who should compose it? If your novel uses a lot of songs, list your compilation here.   (Hmm, Ben what do you think about this?  He offers no opinion here.)

For Kiss of the Dragon:  I would use various artists for the different chapters, or scenes.  Evenescence Bring Me To Life would be the theme song for Kiss of the Dragon. Linkin Park Burn It Down,  Skillet Monster, Katy Perry  Wide Awake, and Tiffany Thornton magic mirror.

For Love Notes:  I would choose Kings of Leon Use Somebody  for the theme song.  Other than that, I really hadn’t thought about much of a soundtrack for this one.

Congratulations! Your novel is being turned into a major motion picture. As the creator of the original work, you get to pick the director.

This has got to be every author’s dream.  I know when I write I see it playing in my head as if it were on the big screen.  I try to write it down before the scenes are forgotten.  I hate those intermissions, sometimes they last a long time.

I would hire Peter Jackson to direct  for Kiss of the Dragon, as I feel he would do my dragons justice. 

I would choose Doug Liman to direct Love Notes.   He did an outstanding job on Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and Jumper.  I like his style and his visuals.

The director has some ideas on who to cast, but you get to cast one character. What role/character is it and who portrays them?

For Love Notes I would cast Michael Caine as Oliver Henry Winfield, the  head of the bureau; army buddy of Rob’s dad and godfather to Rob.  If we couldn’t get Caine for that role then Parker Posey to Play Danielle Vincenzi, Rob’s handler and spurned ex-lover.

For Kiss of the Dragon I would cast Sean Bean as Merryk, Zane’s friend and confidant.  (And the good thing is he won’t die!  Not only that he gets his own book (movie) later!)

You’ve been hired to write a novel based on a preexisting character or franchise from another medium. Which character or franchise is it?

Hehehe – I’d write a Richard Castle novel, based on his life before Beckett.  this is probably the only TV series that has captured my attention for a few years.  Since I don’t get to watch Game of Thrones, or True Blood.  *sigh*  There are aspects of living in the country that are less than stellar.

It’s the anniversary of your favorite literary character’s debut. You’ve been hired (yay, work!) to write an anniversary novel. Who is the literary character?

Hmmm,  I’ll let my co-conspirator field this one.  He’s been my consultant in certain areas, has added the male perception of Rob and has greatly improved my plot.

Arsene Lupin - from a series by Maurice Leblanc.  He was the first counterpoint to the detective.  French, a criminal with real style, a gentleman thief.  The french raffles if you will.  He paid homage to another of my favourites the esteemed Sherlock Holmes and I would say, is the first real subversive literary anti-hero.  My love affair began reading a short story where when confronted with a notorious murderer on a train he robs him.  Leaves him bound and gagged for the constables with a note.  He was a subversive criminal but he had a line  and the frankness and charm of the character I found enthralling.  Mugging a notorious murderer and leaving the police a note of thanks and a bank account for the reward to be wired to,  all the while escorting and protecting the wife of a Prison governor that had imprisoned him.  The sheer joy of crime with elegance, with verve and beauty,  it is just a wow moment for a young boy.

The Dreaming continues tomorrow with Colleen Rose.  Also, check out Abyrne Mostyn.  Don’t miss it.

Thank you Cody Martin, for including me in this!

Write on my friends, write on!  Never stop dreaming.

Illogical Thinking

Ever seen a strange phenomenon and heard someone exclaim “There’s got to be a logical explanation.” ?

There are things in this world and out of them, that confound scientific explanations.  There are glowing gaseous balls that hover over the ground in rural fields.  City slickers would freak out over this but  it’s got to do with the methane gasses emitted by the cows that were in that field earlier in the day.

There are lights in the night sky that we don’t know what they are.  Automatically our brains go “Ooh, what if that was a UFO?”
OK, well not everyone’s,  the more practical minded amongst us say “There’s a logical explanation for that.”

Carolyn Keene drew on these “mystical events” like the glowing gas balls to  confound her readers.  It added to the sense of mystery.  Creative people think of “magical” answers.  Logical analyticals think of the sensible scientific explanation.

So, being the perpetual pot stirrer that I am, I did a little scientific experiment at the last  “gathering”.   There was a recent “unexplained ” phenomenon on the news.  I wasn’t the one that brought the subject up but I was the one that perpetuated it.    At first there were sensible, logical explanations thrown out.  Government training maneuvers, top-secret aircraft, weather balloons.  (Really?  Why does everyone always say weather balloon?  Have you ever seen one?    NO, just no.)

I threw out an idea, it was off the wall ridiculous but it got things moving.  It’s amazing , when prompted how bizarre some of the explanations people can come up with.  One particular one by a very logical, rational, engineer type that  rarely  accepts anything  other than scientific proof came up with a rare species of owl that is illuminated by a chemical in its blood akin to a firefly, said chemical allowing him to hunt his prey by his own light.    Not too bad for a stoic engineer.  I could write a story around that! An owl with a glow-in-the-dark butt because lightning bugs are like chocolate to him – it could happen!

Sometimes the illogical is the logical route.  For any creative, we understand the truth in this.  The logical thinking produces the same old stuff that already exists.  But illogical thinking sparks new inventive ideas like the one I got today for a whole new story.  A mad scientist of sorts who has rather unconventional means of experimentation.  But that would be telling, so you’ll have to wait until it’s written so I can show you.

So how’s your Monday?  Who says Mondays are bad, huh?  They are new beginnings, fresh every week, a world of opportunity crammed into a 24 hour period.  What new horizons are in your Mondays?

Write on my friends, and CARPE DIEM!

Rebirth of Slick

Reblogged from CultFit:

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Only you can take inner freedom away from yourself, or give it to yourself. Nobody else can-

Often times in moments of stress, anxiety, injury, recovery and other negative mind states that we experience daily, it can be extremely hard to focus on positive personal development, moving forward in life. The thought of becoming a fire-breathing, trail destroying feen (

Read more… 215 more words

If you're anything like me and feeling stressed to the Nth degree as life overwhelms you, read this! It was a great reminder to me that I needed to unwind and destress!

Catchup and Mayo

The first day back to work after an illness is always hectic.  There’s a stack of work to catch up on.  Prioritizing is mandatory, taking the more urgent items first.  Projects with the closest deadlines are at the top, and goes down the list in descending order.  A paying job is no different than a writing career.

Oh, I’ve earned a bit here and there for short articles, humor pieces and personal experience pieces, but it’s not the same priority as the work for which I am being paid.   The company is paying me to do work for them and therefore that pulls priority over my agenda for building an author platform, (see Michael Hyatt’s book Platform) or my self established writing routine to get my work out there.

• Dealing with perfectionism, I feel that I must get everything completed accurately or I am a failure.
• Being an overachiever I feel I must get everything completed to perfection or I am a failure.
• Being a little OCD, combined with the aobve two is enough to drive any rational person insane, and yes; feel that I must complete everything to my own rigorous standards of excellence or I am a failure.

You may have picked up on the fact that the previous two weeks have left me feeling like a failure.  It’s true, even though I tried to catch up on the time that I lost being sick, I didn’t get everything completed.  Then I tried to catch up last week and was affected by the medications therefore not completing everything I wanted.

Me, the person that tells everyone:  “Writer’s write, it’s what they do.  Pretenders and wannabes talk about it but don’t write.”  I wrote less than 3000 words in the entire last two weeks.  Well, not counting  a couple blog posts here and not counting blog posts over at Storytime Trysts where I’ve been promoted to managing editor (Squeal!)  And not counting the hand written notes I made, and not counting . . . are you beginning to see a problem here?  Seriously I would never hold anyone else to such ridiculous standards.

I’ve excused others for minimal infractions of why they didn’t get their work in on time.  Yet, when I have pneamonia I lay down the law and slap failure on myself when I hae trouble following my schedule on the best of days.  It’s tight – I’m essentially juggling  a part time job with a full time career not to mention the parenting and wife part.  Unlike some famous authors that take a month on holiday in Barbados to write their next novel, I can’t.  No, I live in the here and now nitty gritty world dealing with teens that can’t seem to bend over to pick up a dirty sock much less the jeans shirt or candy wrappers that litter the floors oftheir bedrooms.  A husband that is old school in his thinking that a woman is responsible for the household – as in he doesn’t have to pick up his dirty underwear or socks,  or ever pitch in to cook an occasional meal, or heaven forbid any of them should ever help with clean up after they’ve inhaled the meal I worked for half an hour to prepare.

I know,  it’s part of life.  It’s part of my routine that I didn’t account for when planning me schedule.  It’s that big black void of time consumption that I wonder where did my time go?  One of the best exercises I’ve done recently is to sit and write daily for a week what I did, and for how long.  It hurt just barely less than the crunches.

It looked something like this:     Monday thru Friday:  6 am get up, make coffee, fix lunches, tidy   6:45 get kids on bus, hubs off to work.  7ish (depends on how long the previous takes shower, eat breakfast, start laundry   8:00 begin mlo work, go through emails, respond, answer customer   questions.  8:30 or 9 – depends on how long it takes to go through emails – go to YMCA and work out;  return home change over laundry, sort fold put away. 1030: finish MLO work or start on blogs,  work on books   1:00  laundry/ housecleaning/ research time  2:45 KIDS get home -   yeah then everything gets thrown  off the schedule .

Trust me that is greatly simplified, but there are those places where I had scheduled “writing time”  when actually I was scrubbing the bathroom, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counter tops, and folding laundry.  Until I achieve a salary that I can hire a maid, it’s part of my routine.  I sat on the sofa with a big harumph – penciling in this big huge blob of time – SULKING – while I sat there depressed at my failings, drowning my sorrows in sugar free peach tea and rice cakes .  Trust me, less than satisfying when I wanted Black Jack cherry Ice cream topped with a big thick dousing of fudge sauce.  I watched mindless tv – Top Gear; How they Make That; Pawn Stars – sighing occasionally at my failure.

Once upon a time in a career far away I received a performance award for my organizationa skillls and teaching the new hires a “better way” to do their job efficiently.  I wondered where that skill  went.  After resolving that the rice cakes just weren’t cutting it and I wasn’t going to give in to the desires for decadent rich desserts; I forced myself to reengage and face my problems.  What was the solution?

You know, we can stare at our problems till we are blue in the face but until we  decide to look for a solution, nothing will ever change.  Entrepeneurs look for solutions. Witty inventions are made by looking for a solution.  Surely a solution could be found for my dilemma.

It was at that point that I switched from catch up  to mayo.

I may cut myself some slack for getting ill and not being able to manage things for a bit.  It’s ok, things will get caught up eventually.

I may slack off occasionally for some much needed rest.  In my original schedule I only scheduled 5 hours a night for sleep.  I need more than that.  I can be a grouchy bear without my sleep and it’s not productive.

I may in fact alow myself to be human.  Shocking I know.

I may be able to deal with everything much better now that I’m not doped up on prescriptions.

What about you?  Are you using catchup or mayo?

Write on my friends, write on!

 

Prevention and Recovery

Quotidiandose does not own copyrights to this photo.

I had posts planned for last week.  I had titles, ideas, notes, and interesting videos to accompany them.  However, things took an ugly turn when the flu bug invaded my home, and gave me a beat down.  A little bit of a cough on Sunday afternoon rapidly advanced into full-fledged coughing fits.  sinus congestion moved into my chest first – never a good thing.  Then to top it off came the nausea and the fever.  It rapidly progressed to pneumonia which required prescription medications.  It’s amazing how fast things changed from feeling just a little run down to critical.

I can deal with sinus congestion and continue working, but the fever, chills, and sweats sent me to bed.  Being sick is such a waste of time!  I had no other choice but to rest.  One of the things that I found with this bout of flu was the inability to think.  It was scary!  Simple processes were mind-boggling.  I left my posts in draft as they weren’t  making sense.  The work I did for my paying job -  well I hope that I did that ok before I finally admitted defeat.

No one likes to be sick!  So I got to thinking.  Uhoh, now you’re in for it.  I had lots of time to think while recovering.

I’ve always been of the mindset that prevention is better than treatment.  I still stand by that, but had to ask myself what else could I have done that I wasn’t doing to prevent getting sick, or prevent my children from getting it. My lifeline to the world was my smart phone.  Don’t you dare even consider  telling me I am addicted to my smart phone, I am well aware of my dependency!  I’m not ready to seek help for that issue just yet.

I did discover a couple of things that make sense to me.  News reports are full of tips to guard yourself against getting the flu, promoting getting the flu shots, what ”super foods” you should be eating.  I take them all with a grain of salt.  It’s like the cold remedies.  Truthfully once you get a cold  you’re in it for the duration of ten days minimum, it’s just a matter of what medications mask your symptoms.  I have to admit my Gramms old-time remedy of a hot toddy is sure helpful.  “If it don’t cure what ails you, by the third dose you won’t care.”  LOL

Here are three helpful things that make sense to me, that may actually help you avoid sickness during the winter months.

1. Vitamin D deficiency - The main source of getting vitamin D into our systems is by sunlight. During the winter months we are inside more as the temperatures plummet outdoors, and typically the skies are cloudy, and overcast.   I know several people who claim to have SAD – seasonal affective disorder, and they claim it’s sunshine therapy.  I think they are wrong myself  -  however a vitamin D deficiency does make sense. Symptoms include depression, a general gloomy feeling, and lowered immune  system.  I suppose you could make an argument for fake baking during the winter months – but I have a simple solution that won’t turn you into walking leather luggage.  Take a vitamin D supplement along with an extra C supplement.  Milk has long been supplemented with vitamin D, but I am not a big milk drinker.   I heard this  little piece of advice while flipping through channels on the PBS channel, and it makes more sense to me than SAD.   I have to admit, one of the down sides of working from home is that I don’t get out as much and tend to stay indoors.  Aside from not having a tan, just think about how good it feels to get out in the warm sunshine  at times, to feel the light breeze over your skin, and smell the cool crisp air.  I’ve added this to my goal list in my fitness plan this year.   I began taking multi vitamins again, and added a few supplements such as calcium  (to prevent osteoporosis), extra C (works wonders in the prevention of colds), iron ( have always had to take extra iron supplements), and now adding vitamin D.    I figure it certainly can’t hurt!
2. Oxygen Uptake – Argue with me all you want but think about it.  When we are sitting at a desk or doing whatever it is we do throughout our days, we don’t consciously take deep breaths. This is an easy fix.  Get up and move around.  Even if you don’t drink coffee, get up and get some water.  Take a walk down the hall, take a flight of stairs or two,  take the long way around and avoid the elevator.  Get moving!  Improved oxygen uptake also improves circulation and improves your joints, avoiding those aches and pains we get from sitting still like stiff joints.  Take five deep breaths before you begin working.  Take five deep breaths before you go for your bathroom break.  Immobility breeds immobility.  Improved oxygen flow gives you more energy, and it makes for improved brain function.  Now who doesn’t need that?
3. Germs - They are real and they are everywhere.  There are sick people who aren’t as germ conscious as others.  A sanitizer that has at least 60% alcohol is a great product.  Also, those individual wipes that are treated with sanitizer are great for wiping down surfaces that can be germ infested.

 

• For general use areas:  think about door knobs, handles, counter tops – (seriously how often do you think they wipe down the counter at the convenience store that you just touched when you set your coffee there to dig out the atm card? Then you have to scratch your nose).
• Office areas:  a shared stapler, phones, the buttons on the copier, the handles on the supply cabinet,  the surface around the coffee pot, desk surfaces, and of course door handles.
• Personal areas:  THE REMOTE – what do you use when you are sick?  The remote! There you are coughing, hacking, pushing buttons on the clicker, blowing your nose then touching the remote again and again.  EW!  wipe that baby down!  Cell phone and home phone – you breathed on it then touched the screen, wipe it down!
• children’s toys, toilet handles, cabinet handles, the Wii remote; anything that is commonly used can be a germ factory.

 

Keep in mind, you can go overboard in the germaphobe thing.  Sometimes I think we undo ourselves by over doing the sanitizer thing.  When I was a kid and played outside, wiping my nose on my hand, then playing in the dirt, repeating for the many hours I stayed outside – I rarely got sick.  We’ve become so germ conscious and quick to use antibiotics I think we are undermining our own good intentions.  Just something to consider.

What are your thoughts.  Do you think I’m silly with my ideas?  Do they make sense to you?  If you’ll notice I haven’t referenced any medical journals or CDC statistics.  I’m just looking for preventative measures to avoid future bouts of illness and lead a healthy balanced life.

Now I am ready to get back in to the swing of things and tackle writing again!

Write on my friends, in good health – write on!

 

Conflict Resolution

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.   

                                                                                       Benjamin Franklin

Why is it that we would rather jump out of a moving car than communicate with our  spouse, significant other, or partner and face reality to resolve our issues?

We learn our methods of conflict resolution by observing our parents.  We learn what we lived in the formative years of our lives. What things did you learn?

• discuss matters openly
• withdraw
• attack
• never discuss it
• give the cold shoulder
• pretend nothing happened
• discuss quietly after everyone calms down
• nag until the other person discusses
• snide comments and  sarcasm

The things we observed are compounded by our own temperaments. The  Type A personality is very unlikely to give cold shoulders or pretend nothing happened.  I have to admit, I don’t think I ever observed any quarrel that wasn’t dealt with in full force anger or rage, sarcasm, blame, yelling and screaming.   That was just on one side of the argument.  If left unchecked the anger will build and eventually kill relationships.

What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?  You desire and do not have, so you murder.  You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.  You do not have because you do not ask.

We are often driven by our inner passions.  Passion is derived from the Greek word for “hedonism”, the belief that pleasure is the sole or chief good in life.  We are wired to seek pleasure, but it should not be pursued at any cost. A relationship by nature demands that you set your self-fulfillment aside in consideration of the other person. That’s the main difference between single and being a part of a relationship.  In a relationship you take the other person’s needs and fulfillment into consideration as well.

Next time you have a disagreement think of some ways you can defuse the situation before it escalates into an all out war.  First of all, watch your language.  Words that can instantly escalate a discussion to a fight are:

never, always, unless, can’t, won’t, don’t, should, shouldn’t.

Words that diffuse a conflict are:

maybe, perhaps, sometimes, what if, it seems like, I feel, I think, and I wonder.

For being so small our tongue can set the world ablaze in the space of a heartbeat. Conflict is inevitable if you are any relationship for longer than  an hour.   Consider the cost, is it worth causing a conflict to bring it up?  Is it just a matter of how you would do things?  Are you demanding your own way with no regards to your partner?  What patterns or habits are you contributing to the problem? What is your motivation for the confrontation?  Are you trying to retaliate? restore? punish? pursue peace? Are you being truthful?

In the heat of battle I do not fight fair.  I go in guns blazing when sometimes all it would have taken was  soft-spoken words.  I have to choose my words carefully when I am angry, because my first response is to lash out and make the other person hurt, make them pay for making me hurt, or making sure they know my displeasure is a result of their actions or lack there of.  Yes, I have a sharp tongue that is doubly poisoned when engaged in a fight.  I don’t fight fair, I fight to win.  All rationality leaves my mind and my behaviour is more like the response of a caged animal.  Yes, there’s a whole load of psychology behind THAT one. Let’s move on.

Counseling suggests  a few things to help diffuse a battle before it escalated to the War of the Roses.

FOCUS ON                                                                                RATHER THAN 

one issue                                                                                   many issues

the problem                                                                             the person

behaviour                                                                                 character

specifics                                                                                     generalizations

facts                                                                                             judgment of motives

“I” statements                                                                         ”you” statements

understanding                                                                         who’s winning or losing

As you can see I remember all the things the counselor said.  The trick is applying them when you need them.  I’m still working on that one.  I’m doing better, getting less confrontational over matters that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Another bit of advice was to remember why you chose to be with this person in the first place.  Sometimes it comes down to the pros and cons table, is it worth it?  Is it worth bringing up the fact that (fill in the blank) when he knows I  (fill in the blank)?  Asking myself some questions before I blast has saved quite a few arguments.  Unfortunately,  there are also things that I’ve just resolved myself to live with.

Remember:

• You can win the battle and lose the war.
• I can’t change him/her.
• Treat others as you would like to be treated.

I have to admit, I wouldn’t want to fight with me.  I wouldn’t want to be treated the way I’ve treated others out of anger.  It’s not something I’m proud of.  The good news is I can change this in myself.

How do you deal with conflict resolution? Have any of these points helped you to think about what part you have in the conflict?

Winston Churchill, the prime minister of Britain during World War II was known for his passion and brilliance.  His wife, Clementine, wrote the following letter to lovingly confront him about his uncharacteristically harsh treatment of others around him:

My darling,

I hope you will forgive me if I tell you something that I feel you ought to know.  One of the men in your entourage ( a devoted friend) has been to me and told me that there  is a danger of your being generally disliked by your colleagues and subordinates because of your rough, sarcastic, and overbearing manner.   .   .    .    I was astonished and upset, because in all these years I have been accustomed to all those who have worked with and under you , loving you – I said this and was told, “No doubt it’s the strain.”

My darling Winston, I must confess that I have noticed a deterioration in your manner, and you are not so kind as you used to be.

It is for you to give the orders, and if they are bungled . . . you can sack anyone and everyone.  Therefore, with this terrific power, you must combine urbanity, kindness, and if possible Olympic calm.  You used to quote “One can only reign over souls with calmness.”  .   .   .   .   I cannot bear that those who serve the country and yourself should not love you as well as admire and respect you. 

Besides, you won’t get the best results by irascibility and rudeness. They will breed either dislike or a slave mentality.

Please forgive your loving, devoted, and watchful Clemmie.

P.S. I wrote this at Cheques last Sunday, tore it up, but here it is now.

None of us are perfect.  We expect compassion and understanding from others,  we should extend it as well.  Extend a little grace to the one you love the most!

Write on my friends, write on.

Digging For Buried Treasure

Quotidiandose does not own the rights to this photo. 

Goals are your friend!  A friend mentioned in a discussion before a meeting that setting goals at the beginning of the year was like a mental Garmin, or her mental Onstar system.  I can see her point.  By setting goals you’re setting your guidance system, then snapping the path to adjust for other obligations, just as you  would plan a course to drive to say The Grand Canyon.  Google maps can create a personal plan in a matter of seconds, and you have the option of adjusting your course, say for that side trip to visit The World’s Best Cone ice creamery outside of Denver.

I’d like to present another way of looking at it – it’s like your own personal treasure map.  THAT’S RIGHT!  There’s gold at the end of my map!   It’s usually not a direct path or even the most efficient path to get from point A to point B.  In my world life sometimes takes  me on a detour around mountain G, back through D,E,F, then jump over on the back road almost backtracking part of the distance to reach B.

Ever notice those treasure maps in movies or books?  I’ve never seen one with a single line from the left top corner to the bottom right hand corner.  There you go – hop a plane, fly over all obstacles and sky dive from said plane to land  safely ten feet from where a large neon flashing arrow  marks where the treasure is buried.  Doesn’t happen that way, regardless of how Lara Croft makes it look.

Typically treasure maps follow a sequence of short intervals to each landmark spot that is easily recognizable.  Treasure Island, Peter Pan, The Deep, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, National Treasure,  Into the Blue,  Sahara, Three Kings, Trespass, City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and Easy Come, Easy Go  are all treasure-seeking movies or books.  Nancy Drew frequently used a map.  The Nancy Drew computer games incorporate mental games and treasure maps into many of her mysteries.  Treasure hunting is big business for Hollywood.

Why not apply that principle to your own life and mine your own treasures? You may find rare gems, gold, silver, or platinum even.

But I just can’t stick to my goals.

Twenty jumping jacks while reciting “I will not say I can’t!”.  Yes, you can if it’s important to you.  Which leads us to the first point: 

• Make sure the goal is something you really want, not just something that sounds good.  Just becasue Tiffany and Shelby are setting a goal of losing twenty pounds does not mean you need to also.   Be realistic, and evaluate your life, and set your goals accordingly.

• Your goals should never contradict another goal.  I want a $350K house, with a swimming pool and a gated driveway.  I want to earn a promotion at my job to earn $55K this year.   Please tell me you see the irony there?  If you have this type of non-integrated thinking, please pm me, we’ll talk.    There is no way realistically you can afford the payments for a $350K house on an income of $55K unless your spouse or partner is bringing down $200K.   Living like you want to be wealthy and being wealthy are often two entirely different things.  the same applies to every area – eating anything you want because you don’t thinki t’s  fair that your friend, the little skinny minx can semingly eat anything and not gain weight while you can smell food and gain weight does not change the fact that you need to make some changes if you want to reach your goal weight.    Maybe your skinny minx friend wants to put on a good 10 pounds of toned firm muscle.

• Write your goals in a positive light – avoid negative.   

Human psychology here – if you write down:                            Your inner child hears:

Don’t eat fried foods.                                                                      EAT fried foods.

Don’t procrastinate.                                                                        Procrastinate.

Don’t assume any more debt.                                                        Assume more debt.

Don’t spend so much time watching TV.                                    Spend much time watching TV.

We are quirky creatures, subtle nuances are often lost, and our mental games undermine our best efforts.  We have to learn to state things in the positive to “trick” our inner child.  It’s akin to the reward / punishment theory by B.F. Skinner. If we percieve it as a good thing, we are more likely to do it – hence reward.  If we perceive it as a  bad – DON’T is setting limits, it immediately prompts us to rebel – hence punishment.  If you don’t believe me think about the last diet you went on.  Let’s say it was a low carb diet, that restricted your carbs  to nothing for the first week.  What did you crave?  The very thing that was restricted. It’s the same thing with  making a resolutions – I am not allowing myself to have soda.  Dude – you just sealed your failure, you’re going to crave soda every single day until you can’t stand it. Then you are going to have more of that item  than if you’d never  restricted it.

But won’t my inner child know I’m tricking it?

Drop and give me twenty pushups counting off while saying “I will not whine!”

You’d think so wouldn’t you?  But it’s not the case.  Even though we may know  in the planning stage – ok, I have to word this in a positive light to appease “the child”,  that same child doesn’t want to focus and before you know it – ooh shiny!  Our mind is a million miles away on something else.  When the child comes back in from playing it’s all new and fresh as long as they don’t feel like we’ve set a bunch of rules:  Don’t do this, and don’t do that, and don’t do that other thing eitehr.  Instead you say:  We are going to eat tasty nutritious foods,  We are going to set a budget and allocate some for entertainment – (yeah!), We are going to tackle things right away and get them done so we have time to play.  By this time your inner child is jumping up and down wanting to be a good helper.  Just remember, children have short attention spans.

• Write your goals down!  3% of the population utilize this little tool.  Those 3% succeed while everyone else scratches their head wondering why things went so well for the 3% and not for themselves. Meanwhile they are wandering aimlessly with no map!  You can’t find the treasure until you have the map!

Don’t argue with me just do it!  You’ll thank me some day.

Now, here’s the tricky part: Keep them private!  Do not freely share your goals with others. You do not need an opinion poll as to what others think of your goals.  I know, you want to be praised for accomplishing something and want approval from family, friends, coworkers and neighbors.  Just don’t.  Not everyone is going to agre or understand your goals.  In fact their negativity may undermine your efforts. Lemings - the lot of them.  they don’twant you to rise above, they will pull you back donw, sometimes pushing you below themselves.  Get your own self talk going, and if your goals are valid and something you really want (see first point above) you will be stoked to work towards them.

*shock face*  But, but how am I going to achieve my goals without support of others?

That’s it, we’re going on a road run.  Get on your running shoes.  While we are running you will recite the above points.

Isn’t it better to be praised for accomplishing something than seeking approval of what you plan to accomplish?  There comes a time when you have to make your own decisions and go rogue from the lemming crowd.

Review your goals frequently.  I review mine daily to keep me on task.  Of my goal list for last year, the ones that I had written down and reviewed daily were accomplished.   Visualize your goal, visualize the path your treasure map is taking you on and you’ll find these landmark obstacles aren’t really  as difficult as you thought.  If you follow this process you will be well on your way to achieving success and finding your own buried treasures.

I didn’t come up with this plan.  I have used it for so many years that I’ve forgotten where it came from.  You can probably find something similar from Zig Ziglar, or Dan Miler, or even Michael Hyatt.  It’s an old lesson but sometimes they bear repeating.  We learn by repetition, and sometimes it seems some of the things we knew fell off the back of the mental  bookshelf.

Write on my friends, and go dig for your treasures!