Tainted Love

 

I’m  not really sure when the love/hate relationship began.  It seems like it’s been there forever, but surely when I was two it wasn’t present.  I am aware that by kindergarten it was firmly in place.  Somewhere between birth and the tender age of five I fell into the love/hate thing.  Always aware, always conscious that I  . . .was the fat girl.

I look back on pictures of myself in kindergarten, and know that my brothers tormented me calling me fatty fatty four by four.  Seriously,  I was a pretty average sized kid – but solid.  I’ve never been skinny, or  a waif.  By fourth grade I had pudged out to butterball proportions.  Indeed I became the labels that I was taunted with.

You know, it affects you hearing those names.   That old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”.   That’s a big fat hairy lie!  Words hurt far more than being beaten with a cane.  Words last a lifetime, being beaten with a belt or cane, or switch only lasts a short while.  Bruises heel but the word scars cut deep.  It was enough to perpetuate a lifelong struggle with weight.

Regardless of other issues of dysfunctional family life, or abuse, over eating became a self medicating action.   Think I”m lying?  Watch a kid that’s upset inhale a ton of sugar then buzz around until they literally crash.  Talk about setting up your system for problems.  I developed a sweet tooth at a very early age,  Sugar is one of the most addictive substances on earth.

Anyway, the love/hate thing: it’s a total mental game that I play with myself.  I try to avoid the scale because based on where the needle lands, I will either be ecstatic if it drops down even a fraction,or crushed if it goes up a fraction. How many of you know that is a poor indicator?  Do you know the average woman’s body can fluctuate as much as 6 pounds within 1 day?  That is a roller coaster set up for disaster.  I weigh myself once a week.

I think many women, especially American women battle with the love/hate relationship with their body.

I have decided that it’s time to settle things with myself.  There was a time when I felt good in my own skin.  I felt confident, I felt strong, healthy, alive and energetic.  Age of course has bearing on all those things, but my goal is that feeling I had;  a feeling of confidence, of knowing that I was capable.

If you’ve ever watched any episode of Biggest Loser, you know the contestants  biggest battle is in their mind.  We play these horrible mind games on our self.  We tell our self we can’t .  We tell our self we aren’t worthy.  We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough.  We tell ourselves – we aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, tall enough, and a whole slew of other things of why we can’t have the good things in life.  Talk about a self-defeating attitude.

I refuse to engage in the self-defeating mind games any longer.  Instead of why I can’t, I ask myself why and how I can.  I preach myself encouragement.  Yeah, you may have noticed a few rounds of encouragement on my blog here, thanks for joining me for the lecture.

I’m not making any land-speed record for weight loss, but i am making progress.  Slowly but surely.  I fear it’s slower than a turtle but there is progress never the less. the biggest progress is on the inside.  Stopping the self-defeating track that has played for so many years.

I Know I spend a lot of time discussing weight loss also, there’s a reason for that.  This is the  biggest issue, my biggest battle that I face.  It’s like I can tackle pretty much anything life throws at me.  Reworking three years of work that someone destroyed – yeah, I didn’t give up.  Handling multiple roles in life – not that I really have a choice there.   Being responsible and teaching my children to be responsible adults – well I don’t really consider that an option either.  But this weight thing – it has kicked my butt for years.

NO  MORE!  It’s going down!  This last outpost for the love/hate relation is going to be destroyed.

Why is it such an issue in my life?  As I figure out the answers to that question, the walls come down brick by brick.  Sometimes we have to understand how the wall was built-in order to destroy it. I’m laying siege to the last bastions of  ‘fat chick’.  She’s not bullying me anymore.  She’s not ruling over my body anymore.  Like the metamorphosis of a butterfly – I kind of look at this soft exterior I currently have as a sort of cocoon, a chrysalis that houses the  emerging beauty of renewed life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,  – why do I get so metaphorical?  Because the manifestation of the reality of who I am is only an internal vision right now.  Despite the lack of youth, despite the fact that I’m not going to have anymore children, despite my battle scars of stretch marks from the children I have, this chick is going to rock this joint!  I’m going to be the bet ME I can be.  Never going to look like Taylor Swift – I think she’s too skinny anyway.  Despite what my husband desires – I”m never going to look like Valerie Bertinelli because  – well, I just don’t look like Valerie Bertinelli.  I am a one of a kind original, made in the USA, unique and valuable being.

OH, and I’ve figured out a thing or two over my time on this rock.  Like, the inner voices lie! I don’t know who planted that track there but I’m ripping it out one paving stone at a time.  No more love/hate relations with my body.  I’m going to own it!  That’s right , you heard me inner fat chick – you’re going down!

What things do you struggle with?  Do you have a bad self-image? A love/hate relation with some part of your body? Or your whole body?  don’t be shy, speak up.  Together we are stronger, and speaking up shuts up the self-defeating talk.

Write on my friends, write on!

 

 

Paranoid Delusions

I do not own this photo, it was a free wallpaper.

Ever have one of those major setbacks? Like a mid-season sports injury that ends the year for  you when this was going to be the year scouts were going to notice you and you’d get offered a scholarship to an ivy league school. Well no, I guess it  wasn’t quite that bad but it sure made things difficult for a good while.

One person is taken from your life unexpectedly, without  reason without warning.  Another betrays a trust, it can be nearly devastating.  Physical injuries from my car crash were easier to overcome than these things.  It took a good while for some of those injuries to heal, in fact I still have a huge knot on my knee, sore shoulder, some issues with my neck, and the two fingers that were jammed are ultra sensitive.  None of that compares to the loss of  a loved one or betrayal.

The grief of dealing with death is a part of life. It’s difficult, it hurts but the finality of it forces us to move forward even if it’s at a snail’s pace. The grieving process is not a fun journey at all but dealing with betrayal from someone close really knocked me for a loop.

I’ve been dealing with computer issues for a couple of weeks now, one of which was being locked out of my accounts, and having my personal accounts such as this one hacked into by a trusted person.  This same person destroyed – whether it was accidental as they claim or whether it was deliberate intent – it’s really irrelevant at this point.  Three years worth of work was destroyed.  Thanks to some great friends that have done some beta reading for me, I’ve been able to recover most of that.  Once before I had lost ten chapters, it was my own doing so I was just frustrated.  I rewrote it and I believe it ended up better than the first time.

I see some of my friends achieving their goals and am left sitting on the side of the road, unable to complete my race. Well this time around any ways.  I’m not going to just sit here and feel sorry for myself.  I’ve been in a bit of shock over this, and  had to take some time to regroup and refocus.

I will not quit will not relent.  If I have to rewrite everything from scratch I will.  It will be better, more thought out, less chaotic.  I still have my notes, my cards, partial files I can piece things together. If nothing I’ve learned some valuable lessons.  the biggest one being that I can not surrender my dreams ever again.  Nor will I allow a saboteur to steal them from me.

OK, supposedly it was an accident.  Well , sleep with one eye open because other accidents have been known to happen as well.  A trust betrayed will never be misplaced again. Opportunity abounds but closes for those who prove themselves untrustworthy. Never underestimate a woman, and especially a woman with a dream.

Write on my friends, write on. I certainly will be!

Catchup and Mayo

The first day back to work after an illness is always hectic.  There’s a stack of work to catch up on.  Prioritizing is mandatory, taking the more urgent items first.  Projects with the closest deadlines are at the top, and goes down the list in descending order.  A paying job is no different than a writing career.

Oh, I’ve earned a bit here and there for short articles, humor pieces and personal experience pieces, but it’s not the same priority as the work for which I am being paid.   The company is paying me to do work for them and therefore that pulls priority over my agenda for building an author platform, (see Michael Hyatt’s book Platform) or my self established writing routine to get my work out there.

• Dealing with perfectionism, I feel that I must get everything completed accurately or I am a failure.
• Being an overachiever I feel I must get everything completed to perfection or I am a failure.
• Being a little OCD, combined with the aobve two is enough to drive any rational person insane, and yes; feel that I must complete everything to my own rigorous standards of excellence or I am a failure.

You may have picked up on the fact that the previous two weeks have left me feeling like a failure.  It’s true, even though I tried to catch up on the time that I lost being sick, I didn’t get everything completed.  Then I tried to catch up last week and was affected by the medications therefore not completing everything I wanted.

Me, the person that tells everyone:  “Writer’s write, it’s what they do.  Pretenders and wannabes talk about it but don’t write.”  I wrote less than 3000 words in the entire last two weeks.  Well, not counting  a couple blog posts here and not counting blog posts over at Storytime Trysts where I’ve been promoted to managing editor (Squeal!)  And not counting the hand written notes I made, and not counting . . . are you beginning to see a problem here?  Seriously I would never hold anyone else to such ridiculous standards.

I’ve excused others for minimal infractions of why they didn’t get their work in on time.  Yet, when I have pneamonia I lay down the law and slap failure on myself when I hae trouble following my schedule on the best of days.  It’s tight – I’m essentially juggling  a part time job with a full time career not to mention the parenting and wife part.  Unlike some famous authors that take a month on holiday in Barbados to write their next novel, I can’t.  No, I live in the here and now nitty gritty world dealing with teens that can’t seem to bend over to pick up a dirty sock much less the jeans shirt or candy wrappers that litter the floors oftheir bedrooms.  A husband that is old school in his thinking that a woman is responsible for the household – as in he doesn’t have to pick up his dirty underwear or socks,  or ever pitch in to cook an occasional meal, or heaven forbid any of them should ever help with clean up after they’ve inhaled the meal I worked for half an hour to prepare.

I know,  it’s part of life.  It’s part of my routine that I didn’t account for when planning me schedule.  It’s that big black void of time consumption that I wonder where did my time go?  One of the best exercises I’ve done recently is to sit and write daily for a week what I did, and for how long.  It hurt just barely less than the crunches.

It looked something like this:     Monday thru Friday:  6 am get up, make coffee, fix lunches, tidy   6:45 get kids on bus, hubs off to work.  7ish (depends on how long the previous takes shower, eat breakfast, start laundry   8:00 begin mlo work, go through emails, respond, answer customer   questions.  8:30 or 9 – depends on how long it takes to go through emails – go to YMCA and work out;  return home change over laundry, sort fold put away. 1030: finish MLO work or start on blogs,  work on books   1:00  laundry/ housecleaning/ research time  2:45 KIDS get home -   yeah then everything gets thrown  off the schedule .

Trust me that is greatly simplified, but there are those places where I had scheduled “writing time”  when actually I was scrubbing the bathroom, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counter tops, and folding laundry.  Until I achieve a salary that I can hire a maid, it’s part of my routine.  I sat on the sofa with a big harumph – penciling in this big huge blob of time – SULKING – while I sat there depressed at my failings, drowning my sorrows in sugar free peach tea and rice cakes .  Trust me, less than satisfying when I wanted Black Jack cherry Ice cream topped with a big thick dousing of fudge sauce.  I watched mindless tv – Top Gear; How they Make That; Pawn Stars – sighing occasionally at my failure.

Once upon a time in a career far away I received a performance award for my organizationa skillls and teaching the new hires a “better way” to do their job efficiently.  I wondered where that skill  went.  After resolving that the rice cakes just weren’t cutting it and I wasn’t going to give in to the desires for decadent rich desserts; I forced myself to reengage and face my problems.  What was the solution?

You know, we can stare at our problems till we are blue in the face but until we  decide to look for a solution, nothing will ever change.  Entrepeneurs look for solutions. Witty inventions are made by looking for a solution.  Surely a solution could be found for my dilemma.

It was at that point that I switched from catch up  to mayo.

I may cut myself some slack for getting ill and not being able to manage things for a bit.  It’s ok, things will get caught up eventually.

I may slack off occasionally for some much needed rest.  In my original schedule I only scheduled 5 hours a night for sleep.  I need more than that.  I can be a grouchy bear without my sleep and it’s not productive.

I may in fact alow myself to be human.  Shocking I know.

I may be able to deal with everything much better now that I’m not doped up on prescriptions.

What about you?  Are you using catchup or mayo?

Write on my friends, write on!

 

Hazy Daze of Winter

There I was, minding my own business and I got waylaid by illness.  Yes, I know I’ve told you all about it.  Went over the practical applications to prevent in the future.  What I didn’t discuss is the drug induced haze I’ve been in ever since.  Prescription meds  mind you but they have the same effect.

A  friend recently was having some issues with his pain medications.  The doctors had him on morphine and it wasn’t working for him.  He ended up having a very rough reaction and went through a month of anguish trying to get back to an even keel.  In a similar fashion, though not to the extreme I have been having issues with my prescribed medications to help me get over the pneumonia.

One makes me hyper like I’m an 8-year-old  that consumed twelve redbulls.  Another messes with my hormones and I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster that I can’t seem to get off of.  It’s like the horror ride in a Scooby Doo cartoon, only for real! One pill makes me feel hyperactive and another makes me feel like I’m in a hazy nightmare, and the third  jerks my emotions around.  *One pill makes you happy and one pill makes you sad, . . . go ask Alice*

I was watching The Help and I”m crying because Mae Mobley is such a neglected child. I mean, sobs!  This is fiction people!  Then, later I was crying with Rutledge when Tanner had opened his car door for him to feel the effects of the tear gas on Top Gear!  that was when I realized it was the medicines affecting my hormones that  are messing with my emotions.  Be glad you’re not living with me right now.

I’ve written words and when I go back over them I think – what on earth was I thinking?  I have two more days of one medication, and today is last day of another.  Hopefully, I will get back to normal soon.  Well, or at least normal for me.

Write on my friends, write on!

Digging For Buried Treasure

Quotidiandose does not own the rights to this photo. 

Goals are your friend!  A friend mentioned in a discussion before a meeting that setting goals at the beginning of the year was like a mental Garmin, or her mental Onstar system.  I can see her point.  By setting goals you’re setting your guidance system, then snapping the path to adjust for other obligations, just as you  would plan a course to drive to say The Grand Canyon.  Google maps can create a personal plan in a matter of seconds, and you have the option of adjusting your course, say for that side trip to visit The World’s Best Cone ice creamery outside of Denver.

I’d like to present another way of looking at it – it’s like your own personal treasure map.  THAT’S RIGHT!  There’s gold at the end of my map!   It’s usually not a direct path or even the most efficient path to get from point A to point B.  In my world life sometimes takes  me on a detour around mountain G, back through D,E,F, then jump over on the back road almost backtracking part of the distance to reach B.

Ever notice those treasure maps in movies or books?  I’ve never seen one with a single line from the left top corner to the bottom right hand corner.  There you go – hop a plane, fly over all obstacles and sky dive from said plane to land  safely ten feet from where a large neon flashing arrow  marks where the treasure is buried.  Doesn’t happen that way, regardless of how Lara Croft makes it look.

Typically treasure maps follow a sequence of short intervals to each landmark spot that is easily recognizable.  Treasure Island, Peter Pan, The Deep, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, National Treasure,  Into the Blue,  Sahara, Three Kings, Trespass, City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and Easy Come, Easy Go  are all treasure-seeking movies or books.  Nancy Drew frequently used a map.  The Nancy Drew computer games incorporate mental games and treasure maps into many of her mysteries.  Treasure hunting is big business for Hollywood.

Why not apply that principle to your own life and mine your own treasures? You may find rare gems, gold, silver, or platinum even.

But I just can’t stick to my goals.

Twenty jumping jacks while reciting “I will not say I can’t!”.  Yes, you can if it’s important to you.  Which leads us to the first point: 

• Make sure the goal is something you really want, not just something that sounds good.  Just becasue Tiffany and Shelby are setting a goal of losing twenty pounds does not mean you need to also.   Be realistic, and evaluate your life, and set your goals accordingly.

• Your goals should never contradict another goal.  I want a $350K house, with a swimming pool and a gated driveway.  I want to earn a promotion at my job to earn $55K this year.   Please tell me you see the irony there?  If you have this type of non-integrated thinking, please pm me, we’ll talk.    There is no way realistically you can afford the payments for a $350K house on an income of $55K unless your spouse or partner is bringing down $200K.   Living like you want to be wealthy and being wealthy are often two entirely different things.  the same applies to every area – eating anything you want because you don’t thinki t’s  fair that your friend, the little skinny minx can semingly eat anything and not gain weight while you can smell food and gain weight does not change the fact that you need to make some changes if you want to reach your goal weight.    Maybe your skinny minx friend wants to put on a good 10 pounds of toned firm muscle.

• Write your goals in a positive light – avoid negative.   

Human psychology here – if you write down:                            Your inner child hears:

Don’t eat fried foods.                                                                      EAT fried foods.

Don’t procrastinate.                                                                        Procrastinate.

Don’t assume any more debt.                                                        Assume more debt.

Don’t spend so much time watching TV.                                    Spend much time watching TV.

We are quirky creatures, subtle nuances are often lost, and our mental games undermine our best efforts.  We have to learn to state things in the positive to “trick” our inner child.  It’s akin to the reward / punishment theory by B.F. Skinner. If we percieve it as a good thing, we are more likely to do it – hence reward.  If we perceive it as a  bad – DON’T is setting limits, it immediately prompts us to rebel – hence punishment.  If you don’t believe me think about the last diet you went on.  Let’s say it was a low carb diet, that restricted your carbs  to nothing for the first week.  What did you crave?  The very thing that was restricted. It’s the same thing with  making a resolutions – I am not allowing myself to have soda.  Dude – you just sealed your failure, you’re going to crave soda every single day until you can’t stand it. Then you are going to have more of that item  than if you’d never  restricted it.

But won’t my inner child know I’m tricking it?

Drop and give me twenty pushups counting off while saying “I will not whine!”

You’d think so wouldn’t you?  But it’s not the case.  Even though we may know  in the planning stage – ok, I have to word this in a positive light to appease “the child”,  that same child doesn’t want to focus and before you know it – ooh shiny!  Our mind is a million miles away on something else.  When the child comes back in from playing it’s all new and fresh as long as they don’t feel like we’ve set a bunch of rules:  Don’t do this, and don’t do that, and don’t do that other thing eitehr.  Instead you say:  We are going to eat tasty nutritious foods,  We are going to set a budget and allocate some for entertainment – (yeah!), We are going to tackle things right away and get them done so we have time to play.  By this time your inner child is jumping up and down wanting to be a good helper.  Just remember, children have short attention spans.

• Write your goals down!  3% of the population utilize this little tool.  Those 3% succeed while everyone else scratches their head wondering why things went so well for the 3% and not for themselves. Meanwhile they are wandering aimlessly with no map!  You can’t find the treasure until you have the map!

Don’t argue with me just do it!  You’ll thank me some day.

Now, here’s the tricky part: Keep them private!  Do not freely share your goals with others. You do not need an opinion poll as to what others think of your goals.  I know, you want to be praised for accomplishing something and want approval from family, friends, coworkers and neighbors.  Just don’t.  Not everyone is going to agre or understand your goals.  In fact their negativity may undermine your efforts. Lemings - the lot of them.  they don’twant you to rise above, they will pull you back donw, sometimes pushing you below themselves.  Get your own self talk going, and if your goals are valid and something you really want (see first point above) you will be stoked to work towards them.

*shock face*  But, but how am I going to achieve my goals without support of others?

That’s it, we’re going on a road run.  Get on your running shoes.  While we are running you will recite the above points.

Isn’t it better to be praised for accomplishing something than seeking approval of what you plan to accomplish?  There comes a time when you have to make your own decisions and go rogue from the lemming crowd.

Review your goals frequently.  I review mine daily to keep me on task.  Of my goal list for last year, the ones that I had written down and reviewed daily were accomplished.   Visualize your goal, visualize the path your treasure map is taking you on and you’ll find these landmark obstacles aren’t really  as difficult as you thought.  If you follow this process you will be well on your way to achieving success and finding your own buried treasures.

I didn’t come up with this plan.  I have used it for so many years that I’ve forgotten where it came from.  You can probably find something similar from Zig Ziglar, or Dan Miler, or even Michael Hyatt.  It’s an old lesson but sometimes they bear repeating.  We learn by repetition, and sometimes it seems some of the things we knew fell off the back of the mental  bookshelf.

Write on my friends, and go dig for your treasures!

Setting the Stage

The beginning of the year is the perfect time for organizing.  A fresh start for the new year, right?  Well my organizing efforts are focused on my writing area. I don’t have an office.  I did for a short while then the hubs moved a tv in there and a leather love seat and it has been the man cave ever since.

I spent many hours on the family pc, but it wasn’t really work conducive, there are people to talk to in the family room. I am a social creature and if there is anyone to talk to I will talk and not work.  Which is part of why I put in earbuds with my tunes to “tune” everything else out.

This year I am setting the stage, or the staging area.  Step one is cleaning off the bookshelf.  In theory it should be easy.  I am removing my fiction books from this bookshelf making the top shelf grammar and writing which includes my thesaurus and dictionary, the second shelf is resource and history books, the third is some miscellaneous books like Writing prompts,  manuscript guidelines and coffee table books I picked up on clearance about Scotland, Celts, druids, and vikings.  I have three magazine holders for the writers magazines I can’t bear to part with.  that will leave enough space for my stack of notebooks and sketch pads.

Step two is the desk itself.  As I pulled out my drawer with hanging files I realized I’ve saved every little scrap of paper that I ever wrote a single note on.  Yes, there are napkins from restaurants in there.  Which explains the sudden urge for pizza.  This daunting task of tackling my files will take at least double the time the bookshelf takes.

Restocking my supplies will come next then finally the decor. I had maps on my office before it became the man cave, so I”m thinking my maps will soon migrate over to my nook.  I’m planning by the end of the month to move my laptop from the family room into this nook to be able to concentrate better.

Will it work?  Time will tell.  If not I’ll be posting the revised plan.  What works for you? What sort of work area do you have?

Write on my friends, write on!

 

The True Cost of Clutter

Getting rid of stuff is difficult for many of us. It takes time to sort through our accumulated stuff.  It can be very overwhelming to the point of not even knowing where to start, so we close the door, let our pulse return to normal and postpone it for yet another day.

Most Americans suffer from ‘stuffitis’ in various degrees.  The people who show up on that show Hoarders take it to absolute extremes.  I don’t want to find myself there, the overstuffed closet is enough for me.  But wait, I have stuff overflowing out of my basement, and in my garage, and it’s taking over my house as well!  EEK!

Shame keeps us from calling in reinforcements to tackle the growing pile of stuff, while anxiety keeps us from tacking it.  It’s a conundrum: we own stuff, when did it shift that the stuff owns us?

There are many reasons why people hold onto their stuff.  It takes courage to let go, but if we don’t let go you limit what new things can come in. What are your reasons?  Here are a few:

• Emotional attachment: parting with an item doesn’t mean parting with the memories.
• Status and security: Feng Shui principle here – your thoughts create your future.  If you get rid of an item thinking that as soon as you do you will need it, inevitably you will.
• The advertisement said I needed it – whether you were suckered into buying, pressured by the salesman, victim of the propaganda or it seemed like a logical solution at the time – if it didn’t work or doesn’t serve any purpose now get rid of it.
• It’s how I was raised – Trust me I got the handle on this one.  My parents were children during the depression.  The great depression of the twenties not the recent one.  When my mother passed away and I had to clean out her house; the house they lived in over 50 years; There was a metal cabinet filled with plastic containers. Every butter tub, every cottage cheese container, every piece of Tupperware ever purchased – it was all stuffed in that cabinet.  That was only one 6 ft  by 2 ft by 4 ft cabinet, can you imagine the rest of the 2500 square foot home? They kept everything.  She reused aluminum foil.  I”m not one for wasting things and creating more trash but there’s a point.  How many butter dishes does one woman need?
• It’s a distraction – well of course it is but some people use it as a distraction to not deal with other aspects of their lives. Stuff is never going to fix emotional issues but a good counselor, a  box of tissues, and getting them out in the open will.
• You want your money’s worth – owning an object is not the same as getting a good return on an investment.  You have to actually use it in order to get value out of it, and if it’s got a 1/2 inch layer of dust covering it in your basement I’d be willing to lay odds you aren’t using it.

Getting rid of clutter is freeing.  If we lose the emotional attachment to stuff, and the other reasons why we have let it accumulate, it’s liberating to let it go and pass it on.  There are consignment shops, eBay, Craig’s List, flea markets, Goodwill, Salvation Army, and a variety of other places that  you can either sell or donate your stuff.  It doesn’t have to go in the trash to leave your house.  Repurposed items can find a good home with someone else that will actually use them.

After you’ve tackled the closet, or basement or even full house and parted with the dusty items, employ the greener way.

• Reduce – don’t impulse shop, don’t buy those items that you really don’t need and even though they may be a clever invention you know you will never actually use it.
• Reuse – instead of buying the latest  organizing containers in the cool fashionable colors, use what you already have.  Instead of buying specially made magazine holders use that basket that you have more stuff stuck in. ( I know, it forces you to tackle the stuff in the basket as well.)
• Recycle - donate, use consignment shops, charitable donations, . . . That table-cloth that has a big rip right down the middle can be made into place mats, or if you’re not so handy they can be torn into cleaning rags that you can reuse  replacing about twelve rolls of paper towels.
• Remove - remove the amount of stuff that comes into your house.  All that paper from junk mail – remove yourself from mailing lists that you can.
• Rethink - rethink you r spending, your lifestyle, and your consumerism. don’t be a marketers dream that buys because of the shiny packaging.  Think – do you really need it?  It will help your budget as well.  Then you can afford that dream vacation in a tropical setting with Javier bringing you fruity drinks .  Oh wait, that’s my dream vacation – get your own.

So the true cost of clutter is not only the emotional drain that it wears on you day in and day out. It also costs your finances.  Just one example – a torn table-cloth provided me four place mats strategically cut and resewn; and ten cleaning cloths that are washed and reused saving me the expense of  – so far – twenty rolls of paper towels.  Every little bit saved is a step closer to having a dream vacation, or whatever savings or investment you are considering.

My biggest problem with clutter is paper accumulations.  I have reams of notebooks with notes, sketches, and ideas.  If they were all confined to one or two notebooks that would be good, but they are not.  this is a really bad part of my making notes in margins or at the bottom of a page or what not as it occurs to me.

I’m looking at a cleaner, leaner, clutter free existence in 2013. What changes do yu need to make?  What sorts of clutter are you dealing with?

Write on my friends, write on!

Confessions and Accountability

<—– Taken 6/2009 

Taken 1/2/2013  ——>

I’m not happy with where I am.  However, considering that in June of 2009 I was 289 pounds,  that’s nearly 300 pounds; I am reminding myself that progress has been made.  I mentioned last year that I had a plan and I expected my friends to hold me accountable.  As embarrassing as it is to share my fat pictures, I feel it’s necessary to  be honest.

The first picture is when I let life happen to me.  Mourning the loss of parents, marital difficulties, emotional battles, and putting myself on the back burner to be a mom were all contributing factors to eating myself to a state of morbid obesity.   I’m not exaggerating – 289!  I had a friend ask if I doctored the number.  My response: Have you ever known a woman to lie about her weight by adding MORE to it????   No!  As pathetic as it is, or was, that is where I was at.  That (notice expression above in picture A) was my happy face.  I had won two box seat tickets for the Cardinals vs Cubs game.

When you are carrying around the equivalent of another person all the time, you tend to be tired constantly.  For all those people who think I’m just a lot of hot air blowing around, honey I’ve been there.  I’ve been so low I had to look up to see the gutter.  I was at the bottom of a pit that I couldn’t seem to climb out of.

As you can see I’m still a work in progress.  By the way, the expression in picture B is before coffee.  Don’t leave me comments about the mess behind me. don’t leave me comments about my lack of expression.  I am up and dressed and my bed is made!  That’s as much as I can muster at 6:30 in the morning.  No one died in the taking of said picture  because they were on their way to school or work.  I have never nor will ever be a morning person.  Laughter and smiles happen after 10 am, and after at least two cups of coffee.

My determination to make fitness improvements in 2013 is at the top of my goals list.

• Weight loss goal: 40 pounds.
• Fitness goal:  to be able to run a 5K whether I compete in one or not.
• Size goal: To fit into an American ladies size 12.  (First picture were size 24′s and yes they were tight. Second picture is a size 16 – 18.)

I”m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I started either.  It’s been a series of steps forward and backwards for me, but this isn’t a diet program.  This is my life.  I deal with everyday issues.  I didn’t get to run away to Biggest Loser ranch and have a team of medical experts on call, a personal chef to design an eating plan for me, or a personal trainer to design an exercise program for me.  I’ve expended my own energy, my own brain power, and reason to matters that I live with every day.  I can do this!  So can you!  Anyone can, it’s just a matter of daily choices.  Make better choices and do it over a long period of time.

For me, it’s a very long period of time.  Obviously, I’m not on a crash diet because the time it’s taken me to lose this weight seems astronomical compared to Biggest Loser results.  I’m not as hard after it as I could be, but I’m dealing with it.  One day at a time, one choice at a time, one decision at a time.  Sometimes I choose the comfort food that isn’t as healthy but overall I have a pretty healthy eating plan.  I hate the word diet – the first three letters is DIE!

Diligence day after day, month after month, and yes year after year.  It takes a lot more to undo the damage that giving up on myself caused.  I may get down on myself and mentally beat myself up but I will never give up on myself again.

I hope that in some way, this will benefit at least some of my readers.  We all have our struggles, mine is weight.  I’m not even setting my sights on a number on the scale, or a clothing size  but rather a level of fitness I once had.  Muscle memory – it affects my workouts and my mindset.  I will know it when I achieve it.

There are other goals that I have set myself for the year, and I am just as determined with them.  The weight issue however is a long time battle with me.  It colors everything I see about the world around me, and how I feel about myself.  I know I am perfectly capable in many areas but the weight goals have eluded me thus far.

Do you have that one thing that hangs over your head like the dust cloud that follows Pigpen?  Does it color your view of the world? Does it make you feel inferior?  Does it cause you to hold back and not give it 100%?

The biggest obstacle to weight loss is not what you eat, or the lack of exercise.  The biggest obstacle is what goes on in the six inches between your ears. How are you handling it?

Write on my friends, write on!

We’re All Mental

Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy!  I know there are many of us with this affliction.  We try to hide it, keep it under lock and key but the strange thing is others can often recognize it before we can see it in ourselves.  It robs us of simple pleasures, prevents us from participating in life and hinders us from stepping outside of our box.

We play these mental games with ourselves, then either pander ourselves out of doing things or admonishing ourselves for our failings.  Sickos – all of us!  Shame, shame, shame!

What is it? Anxiety Disorders.  OK, you may not be fully diagnosed with it but we all have various stages of this budding affliction.

I am notoriously one who is daring, willing to try things.  Bungee jumping, parasailing, snorkeling, spelunking – ok won’t be doing that one again any time soon, and even rapellng are not things for the faint of heart.  Instead of giving into peer pressure, I was the kid your parents warned you about.  Yes, I did daring stupid things.  Yes, I jumped off a roof.  Yes, I took a dare more often than I gave them.  but as I’ve gotten older and become responsible for the lives of others (parenting changes you – it really does), I’ve detected a line of thinking that is akin to an anxiety disorder.

My 17 year old daughter is getting ready to begin her senior year in high school – yeah!  Go Sarah!  However today she is nearly in a panic, because of the unknown.

She stated it like this: “When you’re going to do something that you’re nervous about it, it’s best to just do it and not think about it.  Sort of like getting on a roller coaster, you don’t think about the physics of the design of the roller coater, or the g-force, or how dangerous it is.  You just look at it and think – ooh, fun!”

Yeah, if we all could remember that!  However, when we face a new challenge our brains go into high gear and we over anazlye the situation, adding the terifying what ifs.   Choosing a new hairstyle, starting a new phase like starting college, starting a new job, making a career change, gonig to a different gym, taking a different route to work, they can all be intimidating.  Personally, I don’t think it’s a matter of anxiety disorder but fear.  It’s scary to step out sometimes but as you talk yourself out of it, you convince yourself it’s scary and not worth trying, therefore next time it’s easier to stay in your box.  Before you know it, the box has shrunk and your stuff has an inch of dust on it.

Yep, you know it, I’m a box smasher!  I come in like a tornado and rearrange the furniture, move your stuff, shift things “6 inches to the right”; sometimes tearing out an entire wall to expand a wing.  For those who think I never get scared – get real!  I just do it afraid.

Fake it till you make it, or never let them see you sweat. Either one works.  I know a person however, that over the years has let themseves be overwhelmed by the smallest of things, allowing their box to close in so that it’s such a cramped little affair there’s barely room to turn around.  It’s sad, really.

Now there are individuals who really do have anxiety disorders.  I have some of the symptoms that I will list below, but I don’t let it dominate my mind.  I ain’t dead yet, and I’ve got a lot more life to live.  In fact, I intend to live mine out loud!  If you’re not so bold and brazen maybe you could start with baby steps.  Wear a different color; it can be a huge shock to the system.  Smile at someone you don’t know – I know, shocking.  Try a new food – I don’t know, that could be risky.  Read this blog – omg  – we may be moving a little too fast.  One step at a time!

My point is that as we get older we are more prone to settle into routines. Routines then become ruts and before long the rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.  We allow worries and fears to dominate our thinking and before long we accept failure because we are afraid to try.  I don’t want to be that person.  It’s humorous to watchMr. Monk, but  in reality it would be a sad existence.  I know from personal aquaintance, the above mentioned person’s box is beginning to resemble a coffin.

So here’s what WEbMD has to say about it:

What Are the Symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder?

Symptoms vary depending on the type of anxiety disorder, but general symptoms include:

• Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness
• Uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts
• Repeated thoughts or flashbacks of traumatic experiences
• Nightmares
• Ritualistic behaviors, such as repeated hand washing
• Problems sleeping
• Cold or sweaty hands and/or feet
• Shortness of breath
• Palpitations
• An inability to be still and calm
• Dry mouth
• Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet
• Nausea
• Muscle tension
• Dizziness

I’m sure we can all recognize some of those symptoms but it doens’t mean we need to run out and get a prescription for Xanax.  I rebel against the pharmaceutical companies need to overmedicate the world population when all we need to do is put on our big girl/ big boy pants and live life – to the fullest measure experiencing everything it can throw our way!  Just dodge the tomatoes.

Yeah, and some call me an adrenaline junkie as well!  It doesn’t matter though, I’m having a blast.

Write on my friends, write on!

S.M.A.R.T. Goals

Winding down the end of the year is always a busy time.  Winding down is actually a misnomer, as I’m usually gearing up for my plans for the new year.  Evaluating what went right, what went wrong,  what goals I’ve met or exceeded and what goals I’ve completely failed at usually are forefront on my mind as I set my plans for the new year.

How do you gauge yourself?  Do you spend time evaluating how you did in meeting goals you’ve set for yourself? If you’ve failed every goal then you either didn’t apply yourself or you set ridiculous unattainable goals.  On the flip side of that, If you’ve met every goal that you’ve set for yourself you’ve set your sights too low.

I’ve missed some of my goals.  I break down into ten areas the goals I set for myself.

1. Career Development - This includes any webinars, seminars, training and such that I will need for my career.  Getting relicensed each year goes under this category.
2. Financial - What % I plan to save, invest, or spend.  For instance a medical procedure that our insurance deems elective is having a large mole removed from above my eyebrow.  As an elective, this simple procedure is going to run me $3000. out-of-pocket.  There are other things that have taken priority over this. I know women that have gotten boob jobs for less than that!  At this point all financial decisions are weighed against my daughter’s upcoming college years.
3. Education – Any class I decide to take or that may benefit me for personal gain, not covered by job requirements will go here.
4. Family – Establishing time to spend with my family, planned outings, vacations, or simply a game night.  Last year I had set the goal of 24 dates with the hubs.  There are 52 weeks in a year, you’d think that we could have managed 26 dates but no.  Missed that one by a mile.
5. Artistic - Do you want to achieve any artistic goals?  this past year I decided to rekindle my interest in drawing, and managed about five sketches.  Granted, four of them were illustrations for my own purposes for my books, but it helped me to gain a visual as well as getting back in the swing of sketching.
6. Attitude – Our mindset is the biggest aid or enemy.  I find that in some categories I am my own worst enemy, in some I’m a slave driving task master, and in others I’m a great cheerleader for myself.  Hey, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Is any part of your mindset holding you back? (If so, set a goal to improve your behavior or find a solution to the problem.)
7. Physical -  This is where my weight loss goals go, as well as my fitness goals.  I had planned to lose 50 pounds this past year, but I only managed 26.  However slow progress it may be it is still progress, right?  It’s more about overall health than weight loss for me.  In the coming year I have set specific SMART goals for myself in this area.  This is one of the areas I have struggled with.  Newton’s 3rd law of motion definitely applies to me here, an object at rest tends to stay at rest.  It is with great effort that I drag myself to the gym. I’m not happy with where I am, but I’m not accepting it and saying oh well.  I’m doing something to change it even if it is slow progress.
8. Pleasure - We are creatures of comfort.  We will seek pleasure out in whatever form is easily obtainable.  By planning in fun time, I insure that I will be productive during the work part.  I am allocating myself a certain amount of time per month for playing games, the new Tombraider will be out this year and I still haven’t beat Underworld.  Then again, I thin I’ve maybe spent a total of six hours gaming in the past year.  Trust me, I do better with some down time.  Work hard, play harder!
9. Public Service – This is where I allocate the volunteer work, charitable donations, and any other contribution in whatever form.  Whether it’s purchasing and delivering bottled water for tornado victims  or working as an usher during a church service; serving others helps me to keep my head, and realize that I indeed have much to be thankful for.
10. Personal Goals - This is where I put those things that don’t tidily apply to other areas.  For instance, reading goals.  Last year I set myself a goal to read 26 books. One book for each letter of the alphabet.  Either the title or the author had to begin with the letter.  I’ve read 38 books this year, and none for letters Q or X.  Darn, missed that one.  I set myself reading goals every year.

What about you?  Do you set goals for yourself?  Try to set your bar just a little harder so that you have to push yourself.  We are capable of more than we realize.  This is the whole reason why a personal trainer can get you to do more than you can yourself, because they push you.  They encourage you.  They see the long-term effect where as we get hung up on the momentary discomfort.  Hey those first few weeks in the gym were killers!

Spend some time brainstorming what you want to accomplish this next year, and then select one or more goals in each category that best reflect what you want to do. You may also want to consider just a single goal in each category if it seems overwhelming.  For me,  I like having a long checklist of things I have achieved, so I make several goals.  For each year I make the number of goals equal to the number of years of my age. You may want to consider trimming yours down so that you have a small number of really significant goals that you can focus on.

As you do this, make sure that the goals that you have set are ones that you genuinely want to achieve, not ones that your parents, family, or employers might want. (If you have a partner, you probably want to consider what he or she wants – however, make sure that you also remain true to yourself!)

Here’s the thing, if we don’t set ourselves goals we achieve nothing.  We just go with the flow, day-to-day and end the year the same as we did last year, or the year before, or the year before that.

Failure to plan is planning to fail.  I don’t like to fail.  I’ve found that if I don’t set myself goals to achieve, I drift aimlessly and achieve nothing.  I’m of the belief that we get one shot.  This is not a dress rehearsal, it’s the main event.  I want to be the best me I can be while I’m here and contribute to the world around me in a positive way.

What about you?  Got plans?  Got an areas that you’re not satisfied with?  If you’re content, could you give your time or energy to less fortunate people?  There’s always something more that we can do, but it’s a personal plan for each and every one of us.

Write on my friends, write on.