Tainted Love

 

I’m  not really sure when the love/hate relationship began.  It seems like it’s been there forever, but surely when I was two it wasn’t present.  I am aware that by kindergarten it was firmly in place.  Somewhere between birth and the tender age of five I fell into the love/hate thing.  Always aware, always conscious that I  . . .was the fat girl.

I look back on pictures of myself in kindergarten, and know that my brothers tormented me calling me fatty fatty four by four.  Seriously,  I was a pretty average sized kid – but solid.  I’ve never been skinny, or  a waif.  By fourth grade I had pudged out to butterball proportions.  Indeed I became the labels that I was taunted with.

You know, it affects you hearing those names.   That old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”.   That’s a big fat hairy lie!  Words hurt far more than being beaten with a cane.  Words last a lifetime, being beaten with a belt or cane, or switch only lasts a short while.  Bruises heel but the word scars cut deep.  It was enough to perpetuate a lifelong struggle with weight.

Regardless of other issues of dysfunctional family life, or abuse, over eating became a self medicating action.   Think I”m lying?  Watch a kid that’s upset inhale a ton of sugar then buzz around until they literally crash.  Talk about setting up your system for problems.  I developed a sweet tooth at a very early age,  Sugar is one of the most addictive substances on earth.

Anyway, the love/hate thing: it’s a total mental game that I play with myself.  I try to avoid the scale because based on where the needle lands, I will either be ecstatic if it drops down even a fraction,or crushed if it goes up a fraction. How many of you know that is a poor indicator?  Do you know the average woman’s body can fluctuate as much as 6 pounds within 1 day?  That is a roller coaster set up for disaster.  I weigh myself once a week.

I think many women, especially American women battle with the love/hate relationship with their body.

I have decided that it’s time to settle things with myself.  There was a time when I felt good in my own skin.  I felt confident, I felt strong, healthy, alive and energetic.  Age of course has bearing on all those things, but my goal is that feeling I had;  a feeling of confidence, of knowing that I was capable.

If you’ve ever watched any episode of Biggest Loser, you know the contestants  biggest battle is in their mind.  We play these horrible mind games on our self.  We tell our self we can’t .  We tell our self we aren’t worthy.  We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough.  We tell ourselves – we aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, tall enough, and a whole slew of other things of why we can’t have the good things in life.  Talk about a self-defeating attitude.

I refuse to engage in the self-defeating mind games any longer.  Instead of why I can’t, I ask myself why and how I can.  I preach myself encouragement.  Yeah, you may have noticed a few rounds of encouragement on my blog here, thanks for joining me for the lecture.

I’m not making any land-speed record for weight loss, but i am making progress.  Slowly but surely.  I fear it’s slower than a turtle but there is progress never the less. the biggest progress is on the inside.  Stopping the self-defeating track that has played for so many years.

I Know I spend a lot of time discussing weight loss also, there’s a reason for that.  This is the  biggest issue, my biggest battle that I face.  It’s like I can tackle pretty much anything life throws at me.  Reworking three years of work that someone destroyed – yeah, I didn’t give up.  Handling multiple roles in life – not that I really have a choice there.   Being responsible and teaching my children to be responsible adults – well I don’t really consider that an option either.  But this weight thing – it has kicked my butt for years.

NO  MORE!  It’s going down!  This last outpost for the love/hate relation is going to be destroyed.

Why is it such an issue in my life?  As I figure out the answers to that question, the walls come down brick by brick.  Sometimes we have to understand how the wall was built-in order to destroy it. I’m laying siege to the last bastions of  ‘fat chick’.  She’s not bullying me anymore.  She’s not ruling over my body anymore.  Like the metamorphosis of a butterfly – I kind of look at this soft exterior I currently have as a sort of cocoon, a chrysalis that houses the  emerging beauty of renewed life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,  – why do I get so metaphorical?  Because the manifestation of the reality of who I am is only an internal vision right now.  Despite the lack of youth, despite the fact that I’m not going to have anymore children, despite my battle scars of stretch marks from the children I have, this chick is going to rock this joint!  I’m going to be the bet ME I can be.  Never going to look like Taylor Swift – I think she’s too skinny anyway.  Despite what my husband desires – I”m never going to look like Valerie Bertinelli because  – well, I just don’t look like Valerie Bertinelli.  I am a one of a kind original, made in the USA, unique and valuable being.

OH, and I’ve figured out a thing or two over my time on this rock.  Like, the inner voices lie! I don’t know who planted that track there but I’m ripping it out one paving stone at a time.  No more love/hate relations with my body.  I’m going to own it!  That’s right , you heard me inner fat chick – you’re going down!

What things do you struggle with?  Do you have a bad self-image? A love/hate relation with some part of your body? Or your whole body?  don’t be shy, speak up.  Together we are stronger, and speaking up shuts up the self-defeating talk.

Write on my friends, write on!

 

 

Catchup and Mayo

The first day back to work after an illness is always hectic.  There’s a stack of work to catch up on.  Prioritizing is mandatory, taking the more urgent items first.  Projects with the closest deadlines are at the top, and goes down the list in descending order.  A paying job is no different than a writing career.

Oh, I’ve earned a bit here and there for short articles, humor pieces and personal experience pieces, but it’s not the same priority as the work for which I am being paid.   The company is paying me to do work for them and therefore that pulls priority over my agenda for building an author platform, (see Michael Hyatt’s book Platform) or my self established writing routine to get my work out there.

• Dealing with perfectionism, I feel that I must get everything completed accurately or I am a failure.
• Being an overachiever I feel I must get everything completed to perfection or I am a failure.
• Being a little OCD, combined with the aobve two is enough to drive any rational person insane, and yes; feel that I must complete everything to my own rigorous standards of excellence or I am a failure.

You may have picked up on the fact that the previous two weeks have left me feeling like a failure.  It’s true, even though I tried to catch up on the time that I lost being sick, I didn’t get everything completed.  Then I tried to catch up last week and was affected by the medications therefore not completing everything I wanted.

Me, the person that tells everyone:  “Writer’s write, it’s what they do.  Pretenders and wannabes talk about it but don’t write.”  I wrote less than 3000 words in the entire last two weeks.  Well, not counting  a couple blog posts here and not counting blog posts over at Storytime Trysts where I’ve been promoted to managing editor (Squeal!)  And not counting the hand written notes I made, and not counting . . . are you beginning to see a problem here?  Seriously I would never hold anyone else to such ridiculous standards.

I’ve excused others for minimal infractions of why they didn’t get their work in on time.  Yet, when I have pneamonia I lay down the law and slap failure on myself when I hae trouble following my schedule on the best of days.  It’s tight – I’m essentially juggling  a part time job with a full time career not to mention the parenting and wife part.  Unlike some famous authors that take a month on holiday in Barbados to write their next novel, I can’t.  No, I live in the here and now nitty gritty world dealing with teens that can’t seem to bend over to pick up a dirty sock much less the jeans shirt or candy wrappers that litter the floors oftheir bedrooms.  A husband that is old school in his thinking that a woman is responsible for the household – as in he doesn’t have to pick up his dirty underwear or socks,  or ever pitch in to cook an occasional meal, or heaven forbid any of them should ever help with clean up after they’ve inhaled the meal I worked for half an hour to prepare.

I know,  it’s part of life.  It’s part of my routine that I didn’t account for when planning me schedule.  It’s that big black void of time consumption that I wonder where did my time go?  One of the best exercises I’ve done recently is to sit and write daily for a week what I did, and for how long.  It hurt just barely less than the crunches.

It looked something like this:     Monday thru Friday:  6 am get up, make coffee, fix lunches, tidy   6:45 get kids on bus, hubs off to work.  7ish (depends on how long the previous takes shower, eat breakfast, start laundry   8:00 begin mlo work, go through emails, respond, answer customer   questions.  8:30 or 9 – depends on how long it takes to go through emails – go to YMCA and work out;  return home change over laundry, sort fold put away. 1030: finish MLO work or start on blogs,  work on books   1:00  laundry/ housecleaning/ research time  2:45 KIDS get home -   yeah then everything gets thrown  off the schedule .

Trust me that is greatly simplified, but there are those places where I had scheduled “writing time”  when actually I was scrubbing the bathroom, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counter tops, and folding laundry.  Until I achieve a salary that I can hire a maid, it’s part of my routine.  I sat on the sofa with a big harumph – penciling in this big huge blob of time – SULKING – while I sat there depressed at my failings, drowning my sorrows in sugar free peach tea and rice cakes .  Trust me, less than satisfying when I wanted Black Jack cherry Ice cream topped with a big thick dousing of fudge sauce.  I watched mindless tv – Top Gear; How they Make That; Pawn Stars – sighing occasionally at my failure.

Once upon a time in a career far away I received a performance award for my organizationa skillls and teaching the new hires a “better way” to do their job efficiently.  I wondered where that skill  went.  After resolving that the rice cakes just weren’t cutting it and I wasn’t going to give in to the desires for decadent rich desserts; I forced myself to reengage and face my problems.  What was the solution?

You know, we can stare at our problems till we are blue in the face but until we  decide to look for a solution, nothing will ever change.  Entrepeneurs look for solutions. Witty inventions are made by looking for a solution.  Surely a solution could be found for my dilemma.

It was at that point that I switched from catch up  to mayo.

I may cut myself some slack for getting ill and not being able to manage things for a bit.  It’s ok, things will get caught up eventually.

I may slack off occasionally for some much needed rest.  In my original schedule I only scheduled 5 hours a night for sleep.  I need more than that.  I can be a grouchy bear without my sleep and it’s not productive.

I may in fact alow myself to be human.  Shocking I know.

I may be able to deal with everything much better now that I’m not doped up on prescriptions.

What about you?  Are you using catchup or mayo?

Write on my friends, write on!

 

Digging For Buried Treasure

Quotidiandose does not own the rights to this photo. 

Goals are your friend!  A friend mentioned in a discussion before a meeting that setting goals at the beginning of the year was like a mental Garmin, or her mental Onstar system.  I can see her point.  By setting goals you’re setting your guidance system, then snapping the path to adjust for other obligations, just as you  would plan a course to drive to say The Grand Canyon.  Google maps can create a personal plan in a matter of seconds, and you have the option of adjusting your course, say for that side trip to visit The World’s Best Cone ice creamery outside of Denver.

I’d like to present another way of looking at it – it’s like your own personal treasure map.  THAT’S RIGHT!  There’s gold at the end of my map!   It’s usually not a direct path or even the most efficient path to get from point A to point B.  In my world life sometimes takes  me on a detour around mountain G, back through D,E,F, then jump over on the back road almost backtracking part of the distance to reach B.

Ever notice those treasure maps in movies or books?  I’ve never seen one with a single line from the left top corner to the bottom right hand corner.  There you go – hop a plane, fly over all obstacles and sky dive from said plane to land  safely ten feet from where a large neon flashing arrow  marks where the treasure is buried.  Doesn’t happen that way, regardless of how Lara Croft makes it look.

Typically treasure maps follow a sequence of short intervals to each landmark spot that is easily recognizable.  Treasure Island, Peter Pan, The Deep, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, National Treasure,  Into the Blue,  Sahara, Three Kings, Trespass, City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and Easy Come, Easy Go  are all treasure-seeking movies or books.  Nancy Drew frequently used a map.  The Nancy Drew computer games incorporate mental games and treasure maps into many of her mysteries.  Treasure hunting is big business for Hollywood.

Why not apply that principle to your own life and mine your own treasures? You may find rare gems, gold, silver, or platinum even.

But I just can’t stick to my goals.

Twenty jumping jacks while reciting “I will not say I can’t!”.  Yes, you can if it’s important to you.  Which leads us to the first point: 

• Make sure the goal is something you really want, not just something that sounds good.  Just becasue Tiffany and Shelby are setting a goal of losing twenty pounds does not mean you need to also.   Be realistic, and evaluate your life, and set your goals accordingly.

• Your goals should never contradict another goal.  I want a $350K house, with a swimming pool and a gated driveway.  I want to earn a promotion at my job to earn $55K this year.   Please tell me you see the irony there?  If you have this type of non-integrated thinking, please pm me, we’ll talk.    There is no way realistically you can afford the payments for a $350K house on an income of $55K unless your spouse or partner is bringing down $200K.   Living like you want to be wealthy and being wealthy are often two entirely different things.  the same applies to every area – eating anything you want because you don’t thinki t’s  fair that your friend, the little skinny minx can semingly eat anything and not gain weight while you can smell food and gain weight does not change the fact that you need to make some changes if you want to reach your goal weight.    Maybe your skinny minx friend wants to put on a good 10 pounds of toned firm muscle.

• Write your goals in a positive light – avoid negative.   

Human psychology here – if you write down:                            Your inner child hears:

Don’t eat fried foods.                                                                      EAT fried foods.

Don’t procrastinate.                                                                        Procrastinate.

Don’t assume any more debt.                                                        Assume more debt.

Don’t spend so much time watching TV.                                    Spend much time watching TV.

We are quirky creatures, subtle nuances are often lost, and our mental games undermine our best efforts.  We have to learn to state things in the positive to “trick” our inner child.  It’s akin to the reward / punishment theory by B.F. Skinner. If we percieve it as a good thing, we are more likely to do it – hence reward.  If we perceive it as a  bad – DON’T is setting limits, it immediately prompts us to rebel – hence punishment.  If you don’t believe me think about the last diet you went on.  Let’s say it was a low carb diet, that restricted your carbs  to nothing for the first week.  What did you crave?  The very thing that was restricted. It’s the same thing with  making a resolutions – I am not allowing myself to have soda.  Dude – you just sealed your failure, you’re going to crave soda every single day until you can’t stand it. Then you are going to have more of that item  than if you’d never  restricted it.

But won’t my inner child know I’m tricking it?

Drop and give me twenty pushups counting off while saying “I will not whine!”

You’d think so wouldn’t you?  But it’s not the case.  Even though we may know  in the planning stage – ok, I have to word this in a positive light to appease “the child”,  that same child doesn’t want to focus and before you know it – ooh shiny!  Our mind is a million miles away on something else.  When the child comes back in from playing it’s all new and fresh as long as they don’t feel like we’ve set a bunch of rules:  Don’t do this, and don’t do that, and don’t do that other thing eitehr.  Instead you say:  We are going to eat tasty nutritious foods,  We are going to set a budget and allocate some for entertainment – (yeah!), We are going to tackle things right away and get them done so we have time to play.  By this time your inner child is jumping up and down wanting to be a good helper.  Just remember, children have short attention spans.

• Write your goals down!  3% of the population utilize this little tool.  Those 3% succeed while everyone else scratches their head wondering why things went so well for the 3% and not for themselves. Meanwhile they are wandering aimlessly with no map!  You can’t find the treasure until you have the map!

Don’t argue with me just do it!  You’ll thank me some day.

Now, here’s the tricky part: Keep them private!  Do not freely share your goals with others. You do not need an opinion poll as to what others think of your goals.  I know, you want to be praised for accomplishing something and want approval from family, friends, coworkers and neighbors.  Just don’t.  Not everyone is going to agre or understand your goals.  In fact their negativity may undermine your efforts. Lemings - the lot of them.  they don’twant you to rise above, they will pull you back donw, sometimes pushing you below themselves.  Get your own self talk going, and if your goals are valid and something you really want (see first point above) you will be stoked to work towards them.

*shock face*  But, but how am I going to achieve my goals without support of others?

That’s it, we’re going on a road run.  Get on your running shoes.  While we are running you will recite the above points.

Isn’t it better to be praised for accomplishing something than seeking approval of what you plan to accomplish?  There comes a time when you have to make your own decisions and go rogue from the lemming crowd.

Review your goals frequently.  I review mine daily to keep me on task.  Of my goal list for last year, the ones that I had written down and reviewed daily were accomplished.   Visualize your goal, visualize the path your treasure map is taking you on and you’ll find these landmark obstacles aren’t really  as difficult as you thought.  If you follow this process you will be well on your way to achieving success and finding your own buried treasures.

I didn’t come up with this plan.  I have used it for so many years that I’ve forgotten where it came from.  You can probably find something similar from Zig Ziglar, or Dan Miler, or even Michael Hyatt.  It’s an old lesson but sometimes they bear repeating.  We learn by repetition, and sometimes it seems some of the things we knew fell off the back of the mental  bookshelf.

Write on my friends, and go dig for your treasures!

A LIfe Plan

You may have heard this before from Zig Ziglar, from Dan Miller, from Michael Hyatt - I’ve mentioned  that I try to read uplifting and encouraging authors to help me stay motivated.  Some things never get old nad bear repeating.  With each of the above authors, they’ve put their personal spin on this.  LIkewise, that’s the key element here.  My life plan should be unique and different from anyone else’s life plan.

Work is love made visible, and if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half a man’s hunger.  And if you grudge the crushing of grapes, your grudge distills a poison in the wine. 

And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man’s ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night. 

All work is empty save when there is love; and when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another, and to God.   – Kahlil Gibran, THE PROPHET

How do we determine a clear path, a clear direction for our careers?  First of all let’s define the difference between a job, a vocation, and a career.

JOB - what you do day-to-day to earn money to pay the bills and put bread on the table.  It’s the most specific of the terms, and is essentially what your daily activities that produce income is.

I’ve held many jobs over the course of my life.  I’ve worked as a  waitress, a pizza delivery person, a day care worker, a secretary, a receptionist, a mapping technician, a cartographer, and a mortgage loan officer. I never intended the waitressing to be my career, it was what I did to earn money while attending college.

CAREER – a line of work, a specific “track” such as nurse, physician, attorney, engineer, etc.  You can have different careers at different points of your life.  My first career was as a cartographer working for the defense department. At certain times I really miss the financial security that career brought.  My second career was being a stay at home mom – the stay at home part never happened. My third career is a hybrid mix of my Mortgage Loan officer job and working hard to build my writing career.    In the vein of “calling”, I feel in my heart that writer is my “calling”.  Just as years of college prepare us for “track” careers, life has been building and preparing me for my “calling” of writer.

VOCATION - This is the most profound of the three. It combines your calling, your purpose, your personal mission, and your destiny.  This is the big picture view that many people never take the time to examine for themselves.

We want to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy, but how do we ever leave a legacy if we don’t get out of the daily rut to examine the bigger picture?  this is how people get trapped in dead-end jobs.  By the time you go to work, put in 8 hours or more,  deal with life at home you’re tired weary and don’t have the energy to pursue other things.  Then the cycle continues, and the longer it continues the less energy you have to break out of the rut.

A job will never give you true satisfaction.  A career will not necessarily give you satisfaction.  But when you combine your life passions, the desires of your heart with  a vocational direction – you’re well on your way to leaving a lasting legacy.  Vocation then is not so much of pursuing a goal as it is listening for that inner voice. HOw can I tell my life what I want to do with it when I don’t even know who I am?

Ah, here’s the secret litmus test.  You have to “find yourself”.  Listening to your own heart, your own desires, your own dreams and letting them be your guide to set your sights on  that distant horizon.

“Where the spirit does not work with the hand there is no art.”  – Leonardo da Vinci

Vocation should combine these three critical areas:

1. skills and abilities
2. personal tendencies (temperament)
3. values, dreams, and passions

You’ll never truly be satisfied with your career choice, or your job unless these three areas overlap.  Without the combination you’re stuck on the hamster wheel of the workforce.

Work is necessary to provide income, income is necessary to pay your bills, paying your bills means you’re a productive part of society.  The  key is seeing beyond the daily grind, and not letting it grind you down in the process.

Write on my friends, write on.

Love and Romance: Why We Marry

The first bond of society is marriage.   – Cicero

Many still choose the traditional route of marriage, and often for good reasons. Yet the divorce rate climbs each year.

Marriage is not the ‘happily ever after’ that we were sold in the fairy tales.  It takes real effort to make a marriage last.  It takes a strong bond to survive some of the storms that life throws at us.  Some of our idealism comes from the fairy tales, some from our societal views, some from religious upbringing and sometimes from a deep caring of our partner.

In a 2008 survey on marriage and cohabitation, the following statistics are from a poll for why they married:

• love 91%
• companionship 88%
• to signify a lifelong commitment 82%
• security for children 79%
• to make a public commitment to each other 77%
• legal status or financial security 66%
• religious beliefs 62%
• response to family pressure 50%
• desire for a special occasion 45%
• arranged 27%

In American society it is the norm to marry for love, but this isn’t always enough to make a marriage last. Once past the honeymoon phase the couple has to learn to deal with sharing life with another individual.  The becoming or disillusionment stage is fraught with conflict at every turn.  From clothing left strewn on the floor to the toilet seat being left up, even the tiniest of things can cause conflict.  We learn our conflict resolution from observing our parents and how they handled things.

My mother was a hot head and blew up over the smallest of things out-of-order in her world. I was often out-of-order.  My dad was passive aggressive and I could write you a book on devious acts of the passive aggressive that provoke the hotheaded type A  into a fire-breathing dragon.  Neither approach worked well.  I can imagine psychotherapy attempting to fix their marriage.  The therapist would need a therapist. However, they must have done something right as they managed to last over 50 years together.  Trust me it wasn’t 50 years of wedded bliss.  There was bliss at times, but in between was vast stretches of death valley.

My own marriage has lasted over 25 years.  A milestone to be certain, but again not every moment has been bliss.  We try to work things out, try to be rational but there are times when rationality goes out the window and the gloves are off.  It’s amazing how infuriated the person you love the most can make you over seemingly stupid matters.  After the dust clears we can look back and realize how ridiculous we were, but in that moment of battle it’s on like donkey kong!

Lack of love is never an issue.  Lack of passion hasn’t been an issue either.  Misdirected passions often are.  Not the sort of infidelity passions, but misplaced as far as thrown into being right or getting our way.  It is just as important to BECOME the right person as it is to FIND the right person.  Learning to think outside of yourself is difficult, taking the other person into consideration isn’t our first nature.

Marriage is not about you.  It’s not about your happiness or your self fulfillment.  It’s not even about getting your needs met.  If that’s what your idea of marriage is you’d better hold off.  We are selfish beings.  You are and whoever you want to marry is also.

“Oh no, not my luvvy dovey benjy wenjy.  He’s the most thoughtful loving guy that ever lived.”

Honey, sit down we need to talk. If he/she is human then essentially they are selfish.   NO, no need to cry. I’m not making a personal attack on benjy wenjy. At some point the person you love the most will hurt you the deepest.  There is the true challenge in a marriage.  Working through the deep hurt and pain to resolve conflict and solve your problems together without killing each other, without accusing each other, without running back home to mommy or daddy, and without an all out war.  It’s difficult but not impossible.

Remember why you fell in love with them.   Remember the good times.  Never stop enjoying each other and remember that this is the mate you have chosen.  It is possible to work through the difficulties.

BUT, there sometimes comes a point when you’ve hit the wall, given all you can and tried everything you know of to try and just can’t seem to mend the damage that is there.  At the end of the day you have to be accountable for your own actions. We each have to make our own decisions, and live with the consequences of them.

I am not a marriage counselor, I am simply a wife that’s been married for 27 years.  I’ve made sacrifices and so has he.  When things are good they are amazing, and when they are bad, it’s the worst maelstrom imaginable.  I will emphasize one point – the person you love the most can hurt you deeper than you can imagine.  It’s part of making yourself vulnerable to another. That’s the part that is the hardest for me, exposing myself, making myself vulnerable.

You have to see that it’s a difficult scenario for him as well, it’s a minefield fraught with dangers; a damaged childhood, an independent streak, a rebellions streak, a mean streak – sometimes resembles a wild zebra! I guess all those rodeo trophies he has may count for something after all!

Whatever your reasons for marrying in the first place are, remember them.  Don’t be hasty to throw things away that can be repaired but don’t continue to put yourself in a  situation that is irreparable.  Abuse is abuse and any bit of it is reason to leave.

What does this have to do with writing ?   Romance? Love? Erotica?   I knew you were smart readers!

Write on my friends, write on.

 

 

We’re All Mental

Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy!  I know there are many of us with this affliction.  We try to hide it, keep it under lock and key but the strange thing is others can often recognize it before we can see it in ourselves.  It robs us of simple pleasures, prevents us from participating in life and hinders us from stepping outside of our box.

We play these mental games with ourselves, then either pander ourselves out of doing things or admonishing ourselves for our failings.  Sickos – all of us!  Shame, shame, shame!

What is it? Anxiety Disorders.  OK, you may not be fully diagnosed with it but we all have various stages of this budding affliction.

I am notoriously one who is daring, willing to try things.  Bungee jumping, parasailing, snorkeling, spelunking – ok won’t be doing that one again any time soon, and even rapellng are not things for the faint of heart.  Instead of giving into peer pressure, I was the kid your parents warned you about.  Yes, I did daring stupid things.  Yes, I jumped off a roof.  Yes, I took a dare more often than I gave them.  but as I’ve gotten older and become responsible for the lives of others (parenting changes you – it really does), I’ve detected a line of thinking that is akin to an anxiety disorder.

My 17 year old daughter is getting ready to begin her senior year in high school – yeah!  Go Sarah!  However today she is nearly in a panic, because of the unknown.

She stated it like this: “When you’re going to do something that you’re nervous about it, it’s best to just do it and not think about it.  Sort of like getting on a roller coaster, you don’t think about the physics of the design of the roller coater, or the g-force, or how dangerous it is.  You just look at it and think – ooh, fun!”

Yeah, if we all could remember that!  However, when we face a new challenge our brains go into high gear and we over anazlye the situation, adding the terifying what ifs.   Choosing a new hairstyle, starting a new phase like starting college, starting a new job, making a career change, gonig to a different gym, taking a different route to work, they can all be intimidating.  Personally, I don’t think it’s a matter of anxiety disorder but fear.  It’s scary to step out sometimes but as you talk yourself out of it, you convince yourself it’s scary and not worth trying, therefore next time it’s easier to stay in your box.  Before you know it, the box has shrunk and your stuff has an inch of dust on it.

Yep, you know it, I’m a box smasher!  I come in like a tornado and rearrange the furniture, move your stuff, shift things “6 inches to the right”; sometimes tearing out an entire wall to expand a wing.  For those who think I never get scared – get real!  I just do it afraid.

Fake it till you make it, or never let them see you sweat. Either one works.  I know a person however, that over the years has let themseves be overwhelmed by the smallest of things, allowing their box to close in so that it’s such a cramped little affair there’s barely room to turn around.  It’s sad, really.

Now there are individuals who really do have anxiety disorders.  I have some of the symptoms that I will list below, but I don’t let it dominate my mind.  I ain’t dead yet, and I’ve got a lot more life to live.  In fact, I intend to live mine out loud!  If you’re not so bold and brazen maybe you could start with baby steps.  Wear a different color; it can be a huge shock to the system.  Smile at someone you don’t know – I know, shocking.  Try a new food – I don’t know, that could be risky.  Read this blog – omg  – we may be moving a little too fast.  One step at a time!

My point is that as we get older we are more prone to settle into routines. Routines then become ruts and before long the rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.  We allow worries and fears to dominate our thinking and before long we accept failure because we are afraid to try.  I don’t want to be that person.  It’s humorous to watchMr. Monk, but  in reality it would be a sad existence.  I know from personal aquaintance, the above mentioned person’s box is beginning to resemble a coffin.

So here’s what WEbMD has to say about it:

What Are the Symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder?

Symptoms vary depending on the type of anxiety disorder, but general symptoms include:

• Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness
• Uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts
• Repeated thoughts or flashbacks of traumatic experiences
• Nightmares
• Ritualistic behaviors, such as repeated hand washing
• Problems sleeping
• Cold or sweaty hands and/or feet
• Shortness of breath
• Palpitations
• An inability to be still and calm
• Dry mouth
• Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet
• Nausea
• Muscle tension
• Dizziness

I’m sure we can all recognize some of those symptoms but it doens’t mean we need to run out and get a prescription for Xanax.  I rebel against the pharmaceutical companies need to overmedicate the world population when all we need to do is put on our big girl/ big boy pants and live life – to the fullest measure experiencing everything it can throw our way!  Just dodge the tomatoes.

Yeah, and some call me an adrenaline junkie as well!  It doesn’t matter though, I’m having a blast.

Write on my friends, write on!

S.M.A.R.T. Goals

Winding down the end of the year is always a busy time.  Winding down is actually a misnomer, as I’m usually gearing up for my plans for the new year.  Evaluating what went right, what went wrong,  what goals I’ve met or exceeded and what goals I’ve completely failed at usually are forefront on my mind as I set my plans for the new year.

How do you gauge yourself?  Do you spend time evaluating how you did in meeting goals you’ve set for yourself? If you’ve failed every goal then you either didn’t apply yourself or you set ridiculous unattainable goals.  On the flip side of that, If you’ve met every goal that you’ve set for yourself you’ve set your sights too low.

I’ve missed some of my goals.  I break down into ten areas the goals I set for myself.

1. Career Development - This includes any webinars, seminars, training and such that I will need for my career.  Getting relicensed each year goes under this category.
2. Financial - What % I plan to save, invest, or spend.  For instance a medical procedure that our insurance deems elective is having a large mole removed from above my eyebrow.  As an elective, this simple procedure is going to run me $3000. out-of-pocket.  There are other things that have taken priority over this. I know women that have gotten boob jobs for less than that!  At this point all financial decisions are weighed against my daughter’s upcoming college years.
3. Education – Any class I decide to take or that may benefit me for personal gain, not covered by job requirements will go here.
4. Family – Establishing time to spend with my family, planned outings, vacations, or simply a game night.  Last year I had set the goal of 24 dates with the hubs.  There are 52 weeks in a year, you’d think that we could have managed 26 dates but no.  Missed that one by a mile.
5. Artistic - Do you want to achieve any artistic goals?  this past year I decided to rekindle my interest in drawing, and managed about five sketches.  Granted, four of them were illustrations for my own purposes for my books, but it helped me to gain a visual as well as getting back in the swing of sketching.
6. Attitude – Our mindset is the biggest aid or enemy.  I find that in some categories I am my own worst enemy, in some I’m a slave driving task master, and in others I’m a great cheerleader for myself.  Hey, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Is any part of your mindset holding you back? (If so, set a goal to improve your behavior or find a solution to the problem.)
7. Physical -  This is where my weight loss goals go, as well as my fitness goals.  I had planned to lose 50 pounds this past year, but I only managed 26.  However slow progress it may be it is still progress, right?  It’s more about overall health than weight loss for me.  In the coming year I have set specific SMART goals for myself in this area.  This is one of the areas I have struggled with.  Newton’s 3rd law of motion definitely applies to me here, an object at rest tends to stay at rest.  It is with great effort that I drag myself to the gym. I’m not happy with where I am, but I’m not accepting it and saying oh well.  I’m doing something to change it even if it is slow progress.
8. Pleasure - We are creatures of comfort.  We will seek pleasure out in whatever form is easily obtainable.  By planning in fun time, I insure that I will be productive during the work part.  I am allocating myself a certain amount of time per month for playing games, the new Tombraider will be out this year and I still haven’t beat Underworld.  Then again, I thin I’ve maybe spent a total of six hours gaming in the past year.  Trust me, I do better with some down time.  Work hard, play harder!
9. Public Service – This is where I allocate the volunteer work, charitable donations, and any other contribution in whatever form.  Whether it’s purchasing and delivering bottled water for tornado victims  or working as an usher during a church service; serving others helps me to keep my head, and realize that I indeed have much to be thankful for.
10. Personal Goals - This is where I put those things that don’t tidily apply to other areas.  For instance, reading goals.  Last year I set myself a goal to read 26 books. One book for each letter of the alphabet.  Either the title or the author had to begin with the letter.  I’ve read 38 books this year, and none for letters Q or X.  Darn, missed that one.  I set myself reading goals every year.

What about you?  Do you set goals for yourself?  Try to set your bar just a little harder so that you have to push yourself.  We are capable of more than we realize.  This is the whole reason why a personal trainer can get you to do more than you can yourself, because they push you.  They encourage you.  They see the long-term effect where as we get hung up on the momentary discomfort.  Hey those first few weeks in the gym were killers!

Spend some time brainstorming what you want to accomplish this next year, and then select one or more goals in each category that best reflect what you want to do. You may also want to consider just a single goal in each category if it seems overwhelming.  For me,  I like having a long checklist of things I have achieved, so I make several goals.  For each year I make the number of goals equal to the number of years of my age. You may want to consider trimming yours down so that you have a small number of really significant goals that you can focus on.

As you do this, make sure that the goals that you have set are ones that you genuinely want to achieve, not ones that your parents, family, or employers might want. (If you have a partner, you probably want to consider what he or she wants – however, make sure that you also remain true to yourself!)

Here’s the thing, if we don’t set ourselves goals we achieve nothing.  We just go with the flow, day-to-day and end the year the same as we did last year, or the year before, or the year before that.

Failure to plan is planning to fail.  I don’t like to fail.  I’ve found that if I don’t set myself goals to achieve, I drift aimlessly and achieve nothing.  I’m of the belief that we get one shot.  This is not a dress rehearsal, it’s the main event.  I want to be the best me I can be while I’m here and contribute to the world around me in a positive way.

What about you?  Got plans?  Got an areas that you’re not satisfied with?  If you’re content, could you give your time or energy to less fortunate people?  There’s always something more that we can do, but it’s a personal plan for each and every one of us.

Write on my friends, write on.

Future Shock

You can’t use up creativity,

The more you use, the more you have.

Sadly, too often creativity is

smothered rather than nurtured.

There has to be a climate in which

new ways of thinking, perceiving,

questioning are encouraged.

             Maya Angelou

In 1970 Alvin Toffler wrote a popular book – Future Shock, about the effects of change on our society.  Toffler predicted that  “millions of ordinary, psychologically normal people will face an abrupt collision with the future . . . many of them will find it increasingly painful to keep up with the incessant demand for change that characterizes our time.”  Wow, surprisingly accurate wouldn’t you say?

The traditional jobs are going away, the technology we use  is changing rapidly, and things we never could have imagined twenty years ago are commonplace.  The smart phone I carry is a more powerful computer than the beast that ran a university taking an entire room. The office 9 to 5 is  nearly outdated, with many working from home with the aid of his-speed internet.  The work week hours are changing as well with many companies shifting to flex time.

We’ve always been in a state of flux, but it seems thing are accelerating. It’s been said the mother of invention is necessity.  See a need, fill it. It’s how many entrepeneurs operate.   So we are back to the conclusion that the only constant is in fact change.

Change provides opportunity, opportunity provides the chance for creative thinking.  In our mostly autonomous society where many walk around in a daze not thinking past their next meal, thinking is a novel idea.  Therefore the thinkers nad creative thinkers should have no problem in rising to the top.  However, free thinkers are often criticized and put down to the point of having low self-esteem.  We need to be thinking, not just functioning on auto pilot.  We need to be thinking all the time.  What needs are there around you?  Is there some way to handle those needs?  A simple invention such as bamboo toast tongues so the inventor wouldn’t burn his fingers, yet wouldn’t get electrocuted netted him a tidy little profit.

 What simple things could you solve?  If we always do things the same way because it’s how we’ve always done them then we will become as obsolete as many of the items in our basements.  I think part of the “growing old” mentality is not dealing with change.  I’m not going to wear the new styles that are obviously for the teen set; but I’m not going to adapt to the polyester  ensembles either.  change affects every aspect of our lives from clothing to the food we eat, to the cars we drive, our jobs, and everything in between.

If your house doesn’t have an “updated” look, you won’t get top dollar when you decide to sell.  Likewise the lady in Wal-Mart with the big 80′s hair is made fun of ane ostracised because she hasn’t adapted to the changes in style.  Don’t laugh – it could be you one day.  I actually saw a girl I went to high school with  wearing the big shoulder pads, and the big poufy 80′s hair just two days ago.  Her hair is streaked with grey, and she shared pictures of her grandchildren with me.  This is a girl I went to high school with, the same age as me, yet she has adapted the Grandma role eagerly.  She no longer cares about the middle-aged paunch, or the fact that the outdated jeans are really too small.  She is oblivious to anything except spoiling her grandkids, and that’s ok!  For her.

I have dreams to obtain still.  My classmate has achieved the dreams she set for herself.  She got married, had kids, raised her family and now has grandchildren to care for and spoil.  That’s wonderful, but it’s not me.  I want more between the raising my family and grandchildren phase.

But, I digress. The point is that I’m not ready to become obsolete.  Just as my schedule is revised yet again, my own revisions are continuing.  I haven’t achieved reached my finish line.  There are new opportunities before us with each new change.   Bring it!

Write on my friends write on!

I’m Plotting

Yes I am plotting.  I’m not plotting a new novel, I have plenty of thsoe to work on.  I”m not plotting a cemetary into individual graves for the dead horse – that’s just futile.  What I am plotting however is a Grand Mayan end of the World Party!

Yes that’s right!  Prince was a little premature in his “Party like it’s 1999″ song.  The purple years have passeed without incident.  Now, however even the national weather bureau is talking of the mayan calender ending summarily on December 21st.  Perhaps my zombie horse was a predictor, it does say in the Bible that the dead shall rise  in the end times.  Hmmmm.

Regardless, we’ve decided that a grand festive Mayan party is in order. Hot chocolate will be served, as will a giant chocolate fountain to cover whatever you will, even the cute guy in the corner! (That’s right I’m talking to you!)   Chocolate coins will be plentiful as the Mayans were rich with gold, and er,  chocolate.  Tortilla chips and salsa will be upon every table, and a tequila fountain flowing in the front corner. Other refreshments will be made available I am just undecided at the moment.

One of those “yule logs” will be burning on the computer screen where the great effigy sacrifice will be made to the jaguar god.  A paper effigy pattern will be made available, so that the guests may attach whoever’s picture on it that they are going to offfer in sacrifice.  At a specified time, effigies will be offered in mass burning on the yule log to appease the great jauguar god and hopefully delay the end of the the world. If that doesn’t work we will offer 10% of the Twinkie stash that was hidden for post apocolyptic survival.

I’m sure some hackers out there somewhere will come up with a Mayan trojan or some other virus to destroy laptops and tablets.  I have no such deviousness planned. Simply a last chance party.  Last chance to live it up if it truly is the end.  Last change to believe that perhaps the Mayans really knew what they were doing an they didn’t die off  becausee some other tribe killed them. I always thought perhaps the calendar maker died and no one else knew how to finish, then of course the Spaniards came in and took over.

Whatever reason, I’m really tired of this whole end of the world thing.  Here’s a news flash – none of us get out of here alive!  I know sounds like a pessimistic view but it’s not.  Everyone has to die eventually.  It’s all just part of the great circle of life. (cue the Lion King music) While everyone is refusing to attend a myriad of holiday parties for religious reasons, my party will be the smash hit of all time – becasue it’s the LAST party of all time!   ROFL  The end of the world does not discriminate for race, creed, color, sex, sexual preference, religious views, or age.

Tribal dancing, effigy sacrifices, mass consumption of chocolate – what can possibly go wrong with that?  Let the tequila fountain flow!

Write on while you can my friends, write on!

 

 

 

 

It’s Alive!

Those famous words from Dr. Frankenstein came to my mind this morning while in a discussion with a writer friend.  It’s November, which means roughly 350,000 people or more are trying their hand at writing.

Remember in Ratatouille when the chef said “Anyone can cook.”?  That’s true, but not everyone cooks well.  The same is true for writing.  Anyone can write, not all can write well.  NaNoWriMO is a great time to try your hand at writing.  Thirty days of literary abandon that  serves several purposes.

• Daily habit – A mere 1667 words a day, not a ridiculous amount but sometimes even that little bit is difficult especially if you are not in the daily habit of writing.
• Accumulative Incentive – the 1667 adds up quickly, and NaNoWriMO has charts, calendars, and many materials to show you where you should be  for the word counts,  and shows the cumulative effect of doing it daily.  In a way it’s nearly as magical as the principle of compound interest.  Both are investments, it’s up to you to utilize them.
• Get the first draft down – This point is confusing for many newbies.  A first draft is not a polished draft, and not everything you write is gold.  Voltaire wrote “Candide” in three days without the convenience of modern editing practices.  It is a short but enduring tale that entertains and mocks humanity itself, poking fun at every turn. The dry humor is as welcome today as it was shocking and in your face in its day. Hemingway it is said, edited one particular passage 37 times before he was satisfied.  Any writer worth their salt will spend more time editing than actually writing.  I know, sorry to burst your bubble but it’s true.
• NaNoWriMo has a deadline and a finish line – for those of us, Yes, like me, that have a mountain of unfinished projects collecting dust like an old ladies Hummel figure collection, NaNo sets the pace, puts the finish line in clear sight, and has a definite deadline.  Thirty days, not thirty-one, not thirty-two.  50,000 words not 49,500 or 36,800 – 50,ooo words in thirty days.  It’s a mini marathon with daily workouts. They practically hold your hand, encouraging you to the finish.

As some of you may know, I changed my mind about participating in NaNO.  Yes, I know – back and forth, back and forth, like a ship tossed at sea.  Which was the final straw as my new project is about pirates, ships treasure, and romance on the high sea – arggggghhh.  I am plugging away at the NaNo novel, but I made myself a deal.  I will tackle my other irons first before ever putting a single word towards my nano count.  I am behind the curve where last year I was crushing it.  If you take into consideration though, the number of words written and edited daily on articles, Kiss of the Dragon, Faere Guardian, Love Notes and whatever Storytime project I”m working on, my daily word count for total number of words written is more like 4500 – 5000 a day. I am well aware I need to focus, that’s not the point here.  Let’s move on shall we?

So what has my dander up?  It’s many people posting to the NaNo group bragging about their most recent paragraph or prose.  It’s not one person but a collective of the general idea that their writing is golden.  Let’s get this put into perspective – a NaNo novel is 50,000 words – which is short of any standard length novel including YA, which runs between 60,000 and 75,000. Harlequin romances sometimes come in at 50000 as other trade romance novels.  I could almost guarantee though, that even Harlequin novels are edited and revised from their initial draft.  November is for writing, December is for editing.  Many seem to forget that necessary evil.

My second complaint about the mass number of posts is the telling.  I”m sure you’ve heard the old mantra show don’t tell when writing.

Johnny and Susie went into the barn.  Rick was dead in  Stars stall.  There was a bloody scythe hanging over the door and the rear door to the barn w as standing open.  Who could have done it?   ( The character names have been changed to protect the writer, and condensed slightly to make a point.)

Where’s the description?  Where is the emotion? The shock?  What about the senses?  I should be transported into that barn, Johnny and Susie laughing with each other lightheartedly joking about the fact that their friend Rick was always late.  Perhaps they were going to the show, or to a rodeo. Where’s the senses in this?  What are they seeing, hearing, what about the smell? The coppery tang to the air as they approach finding their friend in a pool of blood soaked straw, the dark crimson blood dripping from the scythe that is wobbling back and forth on the stall door.  Where is the building terror?  The sense of fear that the murderer wasn’t far as the scythe was still rocking and the door was swinging on its hinges?  I want it to draw me into the scene,  make me want more.

Sadly, many think because there is a mass of words in the file that their novel is complete.  First draft we write the backbone of the story, we tell. Second draft we create – breathing life into a dead document, making the characters live, adding depth,breadth, and length, giving it flavor.  You don’t want to read my first draft for a love scene.  It often reads like a technical manual.  Insert tab A into slot B, repeat.  OK, not quite that bad but you get the idea.

Anyone can write, but it takes work to write a story that readers want to read.  It’s my goal to improve my craft, working towards a polished piece that leaves a reader on the edge of her seat, turning pages to find out what happens next.  I’m not the fastest writer, nor do I come up with the most ingenious plots.  Simple plots can come to life when the right words are strung together.  the basic plot of all romance writing is very simple – two people fall in love, and in my world, live happily ever after.  The same plot can be told millions of different ways.  When I can get my writer’s voice out-of-the-way enough to get the reader involved with my characters needs and desires, then I have succeeded in telling a tale worth reading.

Sadly, many NaNoers will put out a Frankennovel.  They have every right to feel proud for accomplishing the goal of 50000 words, and reaching the end, but much like The monster with the Abby Normal brain, it just ain’t quite right!  Do us all a favor and edit the crap out of that beast before publishing.

Write on my friends, write on!