Confessions and Accountability

<—– Taken 6/2009 

Taken 1/2/2013  ——>

I’m not happy with where I am.  However, considering that in June of 2009 I was 289 pounds,  that’s nearly 300 pounds; I am reminding myself that progress has been made.  I mentioned last year that I had a plan and I expected my friends to hold me accountable.  As embarrassing as it is to share my fat pictures, I feel it’s necessary to  be honest.

The first picture is when I let life happen to me.  Mourning the loss of parents, marital difficulties, emotional battles, and putting myself on the back burner to be a mom were all contributing factors to eating myself to a state of morbid obesity.   I’m not exaggerating – 289!  I had a friend ask if I doctored the number.  My response: Have you ever known a woman to lie about her weight by adding MORE to it????   No!  As pathetic as it is, or was, that is where I was at.  That (notice expression above in picture A) was my happy face.  I had won two box seat tickets for the Cardinals vs Cubs game.

When you are carrying around the equivalent of another person all the time, you tend to be tired constantly.  For all those people who think I’m just a lot of hot air blowing around, honey I’ve been there.  I’ve been so low I had to look up to see the gutter.  I was at the bottom of a pit that I couldn’t seem to climb out of.

As you can see I’m still a work in progress.  By the way, the expression in picture B is before coffee.  Don’t leave me comments about the mess behind me. don’t leave me comments about my lack of expression.  I am up and dressed and my bed is made!  That’s as much as I can muster at 6:30 in the morning.  No one died in the taking of said picture  because they were on their way to school or work.  I have never nor will ever be a morning person.  Laughter and smiles happen after 10 am, and after at least two cups of coffee.

My determination to make fitness improvements in 2013 is at the top of my goals list.

• Weight loss goal: 40 pounds.
• Fitness goal:  to be able to run a 5K whether I compete in one or not.
• Size goal: To fit into an American ladies size 12.  (First picture were size 24’s and yes they were tight. Second picture is a size 16 – 18.)

I”m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I started either.  It’s been a series of steps forward and backwards for me, but this isn’t a diet program.  This is my life.  I deal with everyday issues.  I didn’t get to run away to Biggest Loser ranch and have a team of medical experts on call, a personal chef to design an eating plan for me, or a personal trainer to design an exercise program for me.  I’ve expended my own energy, my own brain power, and reason to matters that I live with every day.  I can do this!  So can you!  Anyone can, it’s just a matter of daily choices.  Make better choices and do it over a long period of time.

For me, it’s a very long period of time.  Obviously, I’m not on a crash diet because the time it’s taken me to lose this weight seems astronomical compared to Biggest Loser results.  I’m not as hard after it as I could be, but I’m dealing with it.  One day at a time, one choice at a time, one decision at a time.  Sometimes I choose the comfort food that isn’t as healthy but overall I have a pretty healthy eating plan.  I hate the word diet – the first three letters is DIE!

Diligence day after day, month after month, and yes year after year.  It takes a lot more to undo the damage that giving up on myself caused.  I may get down on myself and mentally beat myself up but I will never give up on myself again.

I hope that in some way, this will benefit at least some of my readers.  We all have our struggles, mine is weight.  I’m not even setting my sights on a number on the scale, or a clothing size  but rather a level of fitness I once had.  Muscle memory – it affects my workouts and my mindset.  I will know it when I achieve it.

There are other goals that I have set myself for the year, and I am just as determined with them.  The weight issue however is a long time battle with me.  It colors everything I see about the world around me, and how I feel about myself.  I know I am perfectly capable in many areas but the weight goals have eluded me thus far.

Do you have that one thing that hangs over your head like the dust cloud that follows Pigpen?  Does it color your view of the world? Does it make you feel inferior?  Does it cause you to hold back and not give it 100%?

The biggest obstacle to weight loss is not what you eat, or the lack of exercise.  The biggest obstacle is what goes on in the six inches between your ears. How are you handling it?

Write on my friends, write on!