The past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. It’s times like this that I question Cassidy’s sanity. I mean, who would choose this?
We had such a good day on Saturday, I suppose it was inevitable that the wheels should fall off on Sunday. While tackling one project, I was being pulled by someone else’s project, continually asked questions until I reached a point where I had to stop what I was working on.
First off, this project was one that I had procrastinated on to the point that I couldn’t put it off any longer. I needed to get it done. So I was already aggravated.
The project that my husband was asking questions about, was valid for him to ask me questions as it was pertaining to our finances. Then everything degenerated down from there. *hangs head*
How many of us know, I mean really know that you can’t compartment your life like a waffle into little squares? If you can manage that then message me and share how you do it.
In my world, things are all interconnected like a woven cloth. The white strand touches twenty others. Or you can look at it like the plate of spaghetti. Well, I got my spaghetti all over his waffles.
If we are being honest, it’s more like spaghetti. How we view our finances are affected by a) our upbringing, b) past problems c) expectations d) fears e)our relationship with the financial partner. All of those factors come into play at some point and are often expressed through what we communicate.
I’m not going to tell you all about our finances, that’s not what this is about. We have some differences between us about them that we will work out. My problem is the underlying problems that come out in moments like this.
I have been so guilty of this in the past, that I am acutely aware of carefully choosing my words and not blasting my first thoughts without a filter. The filter needs to be applied to similar problems in the past, past words that were spoken, past situations that you’ve been through, past fights over the subject. . . it all plays a part to the emotions that come up with the current topic.
In a microsecond, our brain goes to our retrieval file and pulls up the entire folder on how we feel about finance anything. Last time we got into a fight – shields up. We’ve been married for a few years, there has been more than one fight over finances. In most marriages, there is one that spends and one that saves. I’m the spender and I know you aren’t surprised.
My issue with this whole thing is not the finances. It’s not about how much I spent because I know that I spent too much. It’s the comments that cut me to the core that are outside of the topic that are affecting the statements made.
The current plan isn’t working, so I need to rethink, reevaluate, and make a new plan. How ironic that I got a notification this morning that two readers liked my post, Unceasing. Wow, thank you for that reminder. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that it’s not the negative words of someone else. It’s not getting validation from anyone else. The reason I write, and that I will NOT stop pursuing my dream even if it is at a snail’s pace, is because it is part of who I am.
I had some amazing friends encourage me in this matter, some were kind loving words, others were straight and to the point, and yet others were tactlessly pointed out, but valid all the same.
On one hand, it is devastating to hear that a loved one doesn’t believe in your vision. That’s ok. It’s not his vision after all but mine. It’s not his place to validate me or give me approval. I need to do this for myself. On the other hand, it’s good to know where they stand so that I can adjust my course, my expectations accordingly.
Giving up on my dream isn’t going to make him think any differently but it will certainly make me think differently. It would be quitting on myself and I can’t do that.
I’m not angry anymore. I’m not hurt either. I know that I am taking the road less traveled. This is my path and it needs to coincide with our path as much as his career path does also. Neither of us is wrong, just different.
Sometimes we embrace the differences, other times we accept them.
Soon I will have important news to share and to think, I almost quit just before the finish line – tsk tsk.
It’s all good! Write on my friends, write on!
Ellie
quotidiandose 
This post could not have come at a better time. Recently I had a fight over finances and my wife bluntly pointed out that my writing is not going to pay the bills. At that point, I thought about quitting. I thought about trashing all my notebooks. Deleting all the files from my flash drive. If it was possible, I would get a hypnotist to remove the desire to write. (That last part is a bit extreme, but you get the idea.) I put writing in front of a lot of things, and that wasn’t right. No matter what, I have things to take care of. I have a life outside of writing. I have day jobs in order to pay bills and support my family. I got so overwhelmed with what I have to do that I blurted out giving up writing. But I can’t. It’s a part of who I am. I use writing to express things I’m afraid to talk about in person. It helps me gain perspective on things when I feel like there’s nothing but chaos.
There’s a balance. I need to find that balance.
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You stated that very eloquently. I know I said give up writing but I can’t. I agree wholeheartedly that I get out of balance, neglect other aspects of my life, get overwhelmed and frustrate that life demands don’t allow me the time I”d like to just focus on writing. IN contrast, there are times when I have the time to write that I can’t focus on it either.
At the core of everything for me, and I think for other creatives as well – writers, songwriters, singers, artists – we need to find that balance and find the personalized time management that works for us.
I can’t quit, neither can you. This is how we express ourselves. This is how we voice those deep fears. This is how we work out the trouble spots in our mind. This is how we process things that don’t make sense. It’s as much a part of me as my own hand.
It’s good to know that someone else gets it, thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts. We both need to find that balance.
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