Two Guys Walk into . . . Wait, what do you mean there are no Twinkies?


This post has nothing to do with NANOWRIMO.  Except for the fact that V.L.Locey stays in the habit of writing during NANOWRIMO.  She is one of my writing buddies throughout the year and I have learned a great deal from this awesome woman!  If it’s not hockey it’s zombies!  The things she dreams up – oye! 

Welcome my guest, friend, and fellow writer – V.L.Locey sharing a bit from her newest release -Two Guys Walk into an Apocalypse 3, a Zom- rom com! 

Before I start chatting about zombies I`d like to thank Ellie for having me back again, she must be getting tired of seeing me here. I`m like a bad penny, or that creepy third cousin that shows up at family affairs, or a zombie virus outbreak. Nice segue huh?

Smooth – very smooth!  I thank you for not bringing the guys this time .  Not that they aren’t welcomed,  just . . . . well I had to  toss the  sofa and  wingback chair after their previous visit.  Couldn’t seem to get that decaying zombie flesh off the sofa,  and  a piece  on the arm of the chair was still twitching –  it rather freaked me out.  Glad to have you back!

I know that many people just cannot think about romance and zombies being in the same book. I mean that is just squicky, and nasty, right? Well, not necessarily. If you stop and think about it, when would love ever be more important? The world is falling apart, the dead are rising up, and the Twinkies are all gone. Having someone to love and cuddle during such a horrendous time would certainly make survival that much easier. Just think of Daryl and Carol. Go on. I’ll give you a minute.

*Takes moment to enjoy recollections of Norman Reedus looking all sexy and whatnot*

 Yeah, recalling their reunion made me tear up too. See, love and romance and spicy things are needed when one is facing an apocalypse. With that in mind, may I present my newest novella in the Two Guys zom-rom-com series?

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Blurb:

Paul and Gordon aren’t your typical zombie hunters. They’re a loving couple of educators who might be infected by the virus that is turning the world’s population into mindless, undead eating machines. So why haven`t they turned?  Well, Gordon has a theory about that. He suspects that those who march under the rainbow flag just might be carrying the cure for the plague in their bloodstream. Zendra, the massive pharmaceutical company where the mutated virus was made, certainly seems to be in a hurry to round-up all the gay survivors they can grab.

To avoid the clutches of Zendra, Paul, his partner Gordon, and a ragtag band of survivors head into the Great White North – the land of maple syrup, hockey, lumberjacks, and thick bacon. Here they plan to spend the winter, hopefully safe from roaming bands of undead, militaristic companies with far too much power, seedy groups of other survivors, and the always dreaded moose. Can two guys in love lead a motley crew to safety?

Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse 3: He`s a Lumberjack and He’s Undead is available at the Torquere Press Store, as well as all major eBook retailers.

 

Excerpts:

PG:

My sigh and a steady but thin stream of urine pattering on the pine needles and last fall’s dead leaves were the only noises until something stepped on a branch directly behind me. The dead bough cracked like a pistol. My urine stopped flowing as my heart dropped into my gut. A hot breath blew over the back of my neck causing every fine hair to stand up on end. The exhalation stank of rotten teeth and pond scum. With one hand, I tucked the shriveled beast back into its BVD cage. If a phobie was going to rip me into strips I was not dying with my *#*#  out. That’s just a thing I have. Death can claim me but my genitals will be covered if I can manage it.

With a very unhurried demeanor and a sudden weakness in my legs and knees, I simultaneously reached behind my back for the gun while I swiveled my head around. The largest brown eyes I have ever seen gazed down at me. The creature shook its massive head and blew snot from its nostrils. My fingertips skimmed the gun as a scream of sheer horror escaped me. The moose promptly freaked out. It bulled forward (I know, it’s funny isn’t it? Bull plus moose. Ha. Ha. God, I hate moose) as if someone had rammed a hot poker up its bunghole.

I pulled the gun free and fired. The moose got over being scared and got royally pissed off, which was rather a bit of irony since I now was fearful of losing control of my bladder. Where I hit the monstrous beast from hell I do not know but I think we can rest assured that it was not a killing shot. Bullwinkle threw his head to the left and right. I turned to run, was hit in the shoulder by a moose brow and was thrown to the side like some insignificant gay Raggedy Andy. My face met a tree, my gun flew from my hand, and Sir Moose attacked the nearest bush thinking — in its brilliant moose way — that the bush was the man who had screamed in its face and then shot beside its ear. I watched all this from the ground where I was balled up in a fetal position, whimpering about the sap on my lower lip.

My shot must have roused the camp, for within a moment (although between you and me it felt much more like several hours) the sound of people crashing through the woods broke through the snorting, thrashing, and pawing the long-headed cousin of Bambi was doing. A brilliant light swept the area. I screamed. The moose spun from his bush battle. Rider and Gordon skidded into the scene, the beams from their flashlights hitting the moose right in his ugly, flubbery face. Gordon raised a shotgun into the air but never got the chance to shoot. The moose plunged between the men, sending both diving to opposite sides. Bouncing shafts of light accompanied the departure of the moose as he crashed away into the land of nightmares.

“Sweet Jeezus,” I heard Rider pant somewhere in the darkness. “Damned shame I didn’t have my deer rifle, we could have eaten on that bitch for a month.”

“Paul, are you okay?” my partner called as he struggled to get to his feet and locate his flashlight.

A mousey sound tumbled from me. I coughed and tried several times to find my voice. When I located it down by my spleen, I had a question for my saviors. “Did– Did he mean ‘bitch’ like that animal was a female, or like some sort of rural Southern expression like ‘Damn son, we could have eaten on that bitch for a week!’ when in actuality the beast was a male?”

Torque Press: http://www.torquerebooks.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=78_85&products_id=4288

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Two-Guys-Walk-Into-Apocalypse-ebook/dp/B00P00RC0G/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1414616464&sr=8-5&keywords=v.l.+locey

Thank you  for sharing that little bit.  I can’t wait to delve into this!   I have to confess I haven’t read it yet,  I am behind on my reading since I’ve been required to read  numerous other dry  materials for the day job. 

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Author Bio:

             V.L. Locey loves worn jeans, belly laughs, reading and writing lusty tales, Greek mythology, the New York Rangers, comic books, and coffee. (Not necessarily in that order.) She shares her life with her husband, her daughter, one dog, two cats, a steer named after a famous N.H.L. goalie, and a flock of assorted domestic fowl.

When not writing lusty tales, she can be found enjoying her day with her menagerie in the rolling hills of Pennsylvania, fresh cup of java in hand.

I love to meet new friends and fans! You can find me at-

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/VL-Locey/124405447678452

Twitter https://twitter.com/vllocey

Pinterest-http://www.pinterest.com/vllocey/

Goodreads- http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5807700.V_L_Locey

My blog http://thoughtsfromayodelinggoatherder.blogspot.com/

 

More V.L. Locey Torquere Press books:

 Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse (Part of the He Loves Me For My Brainssss anthology), Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse 2:It Came From Birmingham, Love of the Hunter, Goaltender`s Penalty, All I Want for Christmas, Every Sunday at One (Part of the 2013 Charity Sip Anthology), Night of the Jackal.

 And coming soon exclusively from Torquere Press . . . An Erie Operetta and Early To Rise – A Toms & Tabbies Tale.

 

Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse


Today I have with me some very special guests. It’s been a while since I’ve done an interview, and this one is going to be a bit different.

* I give a tentative glance to Vicki’s friends, unable to hide my disgust at the goo and smells that are emanating from the two men behind her. *

I um, guess I should have expected this from zombie slayers.

* The blue eyed blond picks what appears to be an eyeball off his shoulder.*

Just a second. *I pull Vicki aside and briefly discuss with her*

Alright folks, Vicki is going to take it from here. Normally I would be running the interview but , well I’m not used to disemboweled bits of zombie – Oh God, did he just pull a finger out of his hair?

Right! Vicki is taking over. Nice to meet you gentlemen, now I have to get over to the other set for Storytime. It seems someone left one of the subs on the St. Andrews Cross.

*shaking Vicki’s hand, eyeing the two men nodding to them then rushing out the backstage door before my stomach empties from the smell, shouting over my shoulder*

“Sorry Vicki, we’ll catch up an other time. There’s refreshments on the table there and the staff can get you whatever you need.”

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Before we get busy chatting and I forget, I`d like to thank Ellie for having us here today. I`d give her a hug but we had to battle zombies to get here and I`m rather funky and definitely not sunshine fresh! It`s a pleasure to meet you. My name is V.L. Locey and I`m an author of romantic comedies for all, which means I pen the love and laughter for both readers of M/F and/or M/M tales.

In case you`re wondering who the two fine looking men behind me are, let me introduce the stars of my newest release Two Guys Walk into an Apocalypse 2: It Came From Birmingham. The blond with the devil in his blue eyes is Paul Cooke, and the tall, dark, and handsome man at his side is his partner Gordon Moretti. Just ignore the speckles of undead stuff on their clothes.

Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse Part 2: It Came From Birmingham

Paul-“See this is why I hate zombies! Look at this. What the hell is this? Smell this and tell me if this is brain goo or something from a bowel.”

 Gordon draws back from the icky finger under his wrinkled nose. “Forget it, I`m not smelling your finger. God knows where it`s been last.”

Paul” Don`t play coy-boy, we both know where it was.”

 With a wink Paul drops into a chair, leaving his love to mumble under his breath before taking his seat.

 V.L. –“Oh-kay, moving on. Can you guys believe that you`re getting your own books? Are you as excited as I am?!”

 Paul arches an eyebrow at his creator bouncing in her seat like a weasel on crack. “I`m happy yes, but not quite to the frenetic ferret stage,” he smiles, leaning back and resting a shotgun over his thighs.

 Gordon-“I`m actually pretty tickled. I never thought when we first ran into Zendra and their miserable strain of terroristic super rabies, that we would ever be getting our own books. It`s rather humbling.” He too relaxes back, a deer rifle coming to rest on his powerful legs.

 Paul-“It is humbling. Who knew the world was hungry for two gay men, a cat, a senile military man, and a world filled with undead. I personally think it was my killer wit, lovely blue eyes, and the way I turn a phrase. Plus, my knowledge of pop culture is without equal.”

 Gordon-“Without equal now that probably ninety-eight percent of the pop culture mavens on the planet are either deceased or extra`s for Brad Pitt`s upcoming summer blockbuster?”

 Paul-“Are they re-releasing Fight Club again?”

 V.L.-“Before we slip any further into a lovers war of words, why don`t you guys tell me about Two Guys 2 as its affectionately being called!”

 Gordon pushes some a damp strand of dark hair from his face. “Well, Two Guys 2 picks up where we left things in the novella that appeared in the He Loves Me For My Brainsss anthology. Paul and I are about to head west to try to find a cure in the Zendra Laboratories plant in California. It`s me, Paul, our neighbor Colonel Richards, and our cat, Tallahassee. And yes, before anyone asks, she is named after the iconic character played so brilliantly by Woody Harrelson in Zombieland.  Trust me, if we had known we`d be living the same nightmare they did in the movie, we`d have named her something else.”

Paul-“We just adore Woody. Oh, sorry, did I interrupt? Pray continue sugar bumps.” Getting a long and quite tired look from his beloved, Paul pretends to zip his lips. Those of us who know him are aware this lip zippering will last less than two minutes tops.

 Gordon-“Aside from Paul`s lust for Woody, Two Guys 2 takes the four of us – we count the cat as an us and not an it – and finds us on the road to the west coast. Things don`t go exactly as we plan though, and we soon find ourselves sucked into a face-off with Zendra and the US military.”

 Paul-“We also pick up some new friends along the way,” he says before pulling a moue, “Well, some are friends. There is a particular newcomer to the story that is the human equivalent of a malignant hemorrhoid, if you catch my drift?”

 V.L.-“Yep, your drift is caught Mr. Cooke. So I take it there`s lots of action and zombie slaying gory goodness in this book, as well as a touch of acerbic humor?”

 Gordon-“Yeah, just a touch of the acerbic.” He smiles and shows me about a millimeter of space between his thumb and forefinger. “I live with Mr. Mordant if you recall? And wasn`t your mouth supposed to be zipped?”

 Paul rolls his light blue eyes dramatically and clamps his mouth closed, leg crossed over knee, foot now bouncing rapidly.

 Gordon-“There`s also romance, you know that goes without saying. And sex.”

 Paul-“Hot monkey sex, but that may change in the next book if someone who`s name rhymes with Pordon doesn`t stop reminding me to zip my lip. Just saying honey,” the blond zombie slayer waves a hand in the air before returning to bouncing his foot once more.

 Gordon shakes his head slowly. “So yeah, that`s pretty much the set-up for the book. Zombies, humor, action, gore, road trips, sex, and crude jokes.”

 Paul-“I don`t make crude jokes, I`m too much a lady for that. It`s that thing that came north from Birmingham that`s so crass.”

 V.L.-“On that note, we`ll call this interview done. Paul, Gordon, thanks so much for agreeing to meet with me to tell folks about your new book coming from Torquere Press. I can`t wait to meet you here when Two Guys 3 is released!”

 Paul-“Oh it was our pleasure, pumpkin. Where are we exactly? I love the décor!”

 Gordon-“It`s better than that gas station we met you in last time. This place doesn`t have dead zombies lying over the counter. Is dead zombie an oxymoron?”

 “No, that would be living dead, babe.”

 Gordon- “Ah, well, at least someone is retaining the important things about society.” Both men slowly push up from their seats.

 Paul-“Someone has to be in charge of keeping an eye on the idioms of the world.”

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 Thanks so very much for stopping in to get to know me and of course my stars Paul and Gordon. If you`re hankering to read a sexy M/M zom-rom-com, head on over to Torquere Press to grab your copy. You can find it right here-

 Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse

If you`d like to read the novella that started it all, you can find Two Guys Walk Into An Apocalypse in the anthology He Loves Me For My Brainsss by clicking on this link-http://www.torquerebooks.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=76&products_id=3774

 I love to meet and chat with new fans! You can find me at Facebook, Twitter, Google +, and here at my blog –http://thoughtsfromayodelinggoatherder.blogspot.com/

Yours in laughter and love-

 V.L. Locey

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*peaks head in backdoor*  Hello?   Is anyone here?  Anyone?  Bueller?

* walks into studio, seeing the mess all over the chairs*

Here’s a tip:  if you are going to schedule an interview for zombie slayers, cover the furniture with plastic.  Oh well, I wanted to replace these old chairs anyway.

Write on my friends, write on!

Spawn of the Zombie Horse


  The Thestral – yes, borrowed from Harry Potter world is being used for your visual reference.  It is the closest thing to what is inside my mind at the moment.  Scary indeed, be happy I am not a phenomenon artist and this creature will stand in.

 

Time Management – I swear it is my arch nemesis. I sometimes wonder if the T virus isn’t somehow connected to Skynet, and the Terminator cyborgs  via time management tools.  The zombie horse has not only risen again, but produced spawn.  In version 3.0 I dropped a cultural awareness class I was taking.  It was an informal small group setting, not an academic thing.  What was promoted as an hour and a half class – figure two hours for travel – turned into a four or five-hour time vacuum. Hmmm, perhaps Skynet and the Umbrella Corporation are really one and the same.  *taps chin –  intrigued*

In evaluating my priorities, I determined that I couldn’t afford to give up four to five hours every week to the class, so I quit.  Tentacle Number one snaked out and wrapped around my wrist.  The facilitator called to let me know my absence was missed.  I was honest and up front about my reasons for dropping.   “Well, how much time does your ‘part time’ job require each week? And how much time does the writing require?   Can’t you just write in the evenings instead of watch tv?”

Excuse me?  Is that really any of her business?  NO!   However, I answered.  Why do we feel compelled to answer nosy questions that aren’t their business?

Tentacle two popped out, encircling and compressing my chest.  Now I’m getting miffed!  “How much time does  it take to write anyway?”  You know, if I decided to sit on my butt and pick my nose all day it’s not really anyone elses business but my own, and my nose’s! A third tentacle tried to snake out, I lopped it off right away!  Between my roles as parent, wife, employee and writer there just aren’t enough hours in the day!

Here’s the thing:  people always want you to do their projects.  I’ve spent way too much time expending my efforts for someone else’s projects.   If Donald Trump said “I don’t have time in my schedule for that.” Would anyone question him?  No, they would not!  Now, I know I’m not Donald Trump, but why should my time be any less valuable?

Making the call to pursue my dreams is not a popular decision. Ever notice how all the people you helped never offer to help you with your goals? Yeah, not a popular decision but sometimes you have to be selfish. I knew there would be resistance.  The whole point in hiring my coach Tasha is to be more productive with the time I have.  To make a concerted effort towards my own goals and to undo the years of bad habits that I’ve acquired.  It took me many years to be comfortable with myself, to accept my own unique talents and gifts.  There is much I want to change or improve in my life, but the essential part of me I’ve made peace with.

Evan Sanders has touched on something similar in his blog The Better Man Project.  He talks about authenticity.  He also mentions about being comfortable with himself.  At the end of the day I want to have a clear conscious, and a sense of accomplishment.  That’s never going to happen by doing other people’s projects and ignoring my own dreams.  This is such a simple thing, but I find I am surrounded by a whole generation that was never encouraged to pursue our own dreams.  We were told to be practical, sensible, and responsible.  It’s only through pursuing my own dreams that I discover that those three things can indeed overlap with pursuing the dreams that are within myself and give the sense of satisfaction that even a high paying professional career did not provide.

Self confidence is a powerful drug!  It also seems to be the antivirus for the dead horse strain of the T virus.  I have to admit, five years ago I would have folded, and given in to the “pressure”   – oh we need you, it’s a good thing,  whatever the catch phrase was that was essentially emotional blackmail to manipulate me into giving up my time for someone else’s cause.    They are often good things, not going to argue with that.  At some point though we have to evaluate is it the best thing for us?

Have you given your time up for someone else’s cause?  For their pet project while shelving your own plans?  Is this just a mom thing or is it deeper than that?  What is it about the Donald Trump’s of the world that never struggle with these things and how do I get it?

Please share your thoughts, your struggles, or any advice you may have on this.  Meanwhile steer clear of the zombies!

Write on my friends, write on!

 

 

Dark Shadows


Jonathan Frid, who played vampire Barnabas Collins on the cult classic TV show “Dark Shadows,” has died. He was 87.

Frid died  weeks before the release of the feature film adaptation of the show starring Johnny Depp and directed by Tim Burton.

Frid and Kathryn Leigh Scott, along with their castmates, traveled to England in July to shoot cameos for the film, which  is releasing today! During the filming, Frid met Depp, who is taking on the role of Barnabas.

The new film is an update of a show as beloved for its spooky tone and languid pacing as it was for its sometimes slipshod production values. Fans obsess over mistakes that somehow made it to air. The daytime serial ran on ABC from 1966 to 1971.

OK, enough promoting for the movie.  When I was a kid I loved, loved, loved Dark Shadows. Jonathon Frid scared the bejeebers out of me and I loved it.  Barnabas Collins lived in my closet at night, and I was terrified.  It was cheesy, it was campy but I had to watch.  Come on, it was either that or Gidget.  I was glued to that set faithfully, laying in the floor on my belly, propped on my elbows until Barnabas took the stage.  Then I scooted back and sat up, back arrow straight and practically held my breath.

Flying monkeys weren’t scary.  Frankenstein’s monster wasn’t scary.  But the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Bela Lugosi, and Jonathon Frid terrified me.  I was a officionado of everything vamp before vamps were cool.  I knew all the septs, and variations of vamps.  Trust me, none of them sparkled, but considering the glitz and glam of the 80’s it’s not surprising that the current vamps sparkle.  Stranger things could happen.

I watched every B movie about vampires.  Every book about vamps was consumed.  When I entered college, you could almost say vamps were an obsession. ( And this new generation thinks they are  cutting edge –  vampire stories have been around for ages.)  I read vamp stories with a critical eye.  If the author deviates from historical ideology, I don’t mind as long as they have a good reason.

There’s only two things I’ve asked for this Mother’s Day. (They asked!)  A kindle, as my book library is approaching the size of The Library of Congress, and a movie date.  OK, technically the movie date consists of three things but it’s a package deal.  Dinner out, Dark Shadows, then  Ice Cream.  Hey I’ve been on a very restricted diet for a while lately, and I want a splurge day.  I’m willing to forego the theatre popcorn for a good pizza, and some ice cream.  Is it really a date if you’re taking the kids? Hmmmm, maybe I’ll have to modify that. Unconventional, but I never claimed to be amongst the average crowd.

Johnny Depp is a talented actor.  I think the only think I didn’t like him in was Cry Baby.  That whole movie was just wrong.  I am curious as to how he portrays Barnabas, and the trailers look intriguing.  I’m thinking that Johnny Depp’s version is going to be a little more similar to Michael Meyer’s Austin Powers than Bela Lugosi’s Dracula, but hey it works for me.

What does this have to do with writing? Not one bloody thing, unless you’re writing a vampire story.  There are a few in the future projects file, but when there’s  Eric Northman, so what’s the point in writing another?  I may pursue them, eventually.  Vampires are after all eternal.  They never truly go out of vogue.

The Zombie fad will fade, but Nosferatu are immortal.

Happy Mother’s Day to all moms!

Write On!